Hello 2020 survivor babies,
I hate New Year’s Eve- especially sober, the substance-laden pressure to clamor toward a lover, a moment of ecstasy or joy or fun or finality is just crushing. I have spent way too many of them in bed with a form of pudding just praying for midnight to strike. On the contrary, I love year-end round ups, and the doozy that was 2020 for every sweet soul on earth really deserves a recap. We all know what went down, so here are some nuggets of knowledge I feel lucky to have learned the hard way and maybe you can use (and perhaps not struggle for as mightily as your girl did?)
-There comes a time we must accept that our life is not going to look the way our mothers, grandmothers, friends or ex-lovers thought it would or should. There is liberation in that. Try it on for size. Take it for a walk around the block. Own it.
-It’s scary to speak when you don’t feel your voice is central or useful, but silence can be even more deadly when silence means condoning behavior that is dangerous to those you love or reinforces unacceptable societal structures. Finding ways to pipe in with love and focus is a lifelong process, imperfect and imprecise. But try and try again. It’s the most human work.
-Solitude is different than loneliness. Companionship is different than togetherness.
-We never stop being messy, but hopefully we find a way to focus the mess so that it no longer explodes into other people’s territory- it’s like being a good emotional roommate. Keep the common areas clean. Then go wild, kid.
-Just because you invited him over, it doesn’t mean you gotta smash. (yes I’m 34 and I just got this. Thanks to the younger generation for enlightening an old bitch. Hey, Tik Tok!) And just because you said you didn’t wanna smash, doesn’t mean you can’t do it later. The world is our oyster.
-The worst part of straight sex is that cis men are involved.
I miss you all. I love you so big. I hope you end the year feeling so sure that you were born to do it, even if you aren’t sure exactly why.
Forever your girl, Lena
Recently I came across this photo of me at 24. I could remember exactly where I was when it was taken- the bathroom of a bar in the dead heat of August, wearing a vintage dress of my mother’s, with this overwhelming feeling (the kind you only get when you’re young) that you’re on the precipice of some big change. It got me dreaming about what that girl would have thought if I could appear in that mirror and tell her what the next 10 years would hold. “Hello, it’s me, 34 year old Lena. You’re not gonna believe this but in, like, 2 months you’re going to start on six seasons of a TV show. Are people gonna like it? That’s a… complex question, but you will love making it, and you will learn exactly what your own voice sounds like. Oh, and you’re going to write books. Like, WHOLE books. And yes, you will fully move out of your parents house and all the way to freakin’ California- don’t worry, I know it’s Hollywood but you won’t have to lose weight, in fact you’ll gain it- and sometimes even to the UK. And yes, you have a million friends and collaborators you love and you aren’t lonely in the ways you are now. Which is good because yeah, you know those random stomach aches? There’s, like, a bunch of surgery coming. They’re going to take out your uterus, which I know sounds kinda random but trust me, it’s a bigger deal once you’re older. And then you’ll have to get sober. But you don’t have a drug problem? Oh, please hold for that. And by the time you’re my age you’ll have kissed approximately 47 men (you still keep a list!) and literally none of them will be your husband. And you STILL can’t fucking drive. But you know the weird part? It’s all okay. It’s better than okay. It’s exactly what you were hoping for when you went into the bathroom and held this brand new thing called an iPhone up to the mirror thinking ‘something great is coming.'”
Recently I came across this photo of me at 24. I could remember exactly where I was when it was taken- the bathroom of a bar in the dead heat of August, wearing a vintage dress of my mother’s, with this overwhelming feeling (the kind you only get when you’re young) that you’re on the precipice of some big change. It got me dreaming about what that girl would have thought if I could appear in that mirror and tell her what the next 10 years would hold. “Hello, it’s me, 34 year old Lena. You’re not gonna believe this but in, like, 2 months you’re going to start on six seasons of a TV show. Are people gonna like it? That’s a… complex question, but you will love making it, and you will learn exactly what your own voice sounds like. Oh, and you’re going to write books. Like, WHOLE books. And yes, you will fully move out of your parents house and all the way to freakin’ California- don’t worry, I know it’s Hollywood but you won’t have to lose weight, in fact you’ll gain it- and sometimes even to the UK. And yes, you have a million friends and collaborators you love and you aren’t lonely in the ways you are now. Which is good because yeah, you know those random stomach aches? There’s, like, a bunch of surgery coming. They’re going to take out your uterus, which I know sounds kinda random but trust me, it’s a bigger deal once you’re older. And then you’ll have to get sober. But you don’t have a drug problem? Oh, please hold for that. And by the time you’re my age you’ll have kissed approximately 47 men (you still keep a list!) and literally none of them will be your husband. And you STILL can’t fucking drive. But you know the weird part? It’s all okay. It’s better than okay. It’s exactly what you were hoping for when you went into the bathroom and held this brand new thing called an iPhone up to the mirror thinking ‘something great is coming.'”
Hello from the floor of quarantine in London, where I am in full isolation in accordance with Tier 4 lockdown laws! But the chance to be alone with only a bag of crisps and my thoughts before I go full bore into the most ambitious project of my career has been a special lil’ gift- it’s given me a moment to reflect on the strength and stability I feel as I barrel toward my *official* mid-thirties, and how deeply it contrasts with the flightiness and fragility of my twenties. And it’s funny, because my twenties were much flashier- more outward facing achievement, more dresses and liquid eyeliner and taking my shoes off at parties and being told I was doing a hot job. But I was fighting my ass off to stay in the mix, for fear of what a moment of quiet might reveal to me- the roaring in my ears, the scraping in my brain. The last three years- since Girls ended, since my health and long term relationship collapsed at once and I had to rebuild myself in a new body and home, since I got sober and learned what it meant to really sit with myself- have been deafeningly quiet. But in that silence, more has occurred than ever did when I was dancing as fast as I could. I’ve discovered my own values. I’ve taken up dorky hobbies. I’ve built and scrapped and replotted dreams. I’ve healed without even knowing it was happening. I’ve planted the seeds for the kind of life I thought I was living but I was only playing at before- one full of art and friendship and honesty and love. I’ve motored my own boat (that… sounded wrong?) I guess this post is a glowing recommendation for quiet, in all its forms. It’s the opposite of boring. What’s boring is staying at the party too long. What’s cool is sitting in the bathtub afterwards. What have you found in the silence lately? London, United Kingdom
A lot of COVID testing went into being reunited with my true blue 💙 after a full year- the longest we’ve been separated since the 7th grade (save for one very strange moment in college that we don’t really like to talk about where I visited her in Rhode Island and she avoided me and the only glimpse I caught of her during the whole trip was when she streamed by on the back of this guy Tristan’s moped.) This pandemic has reframed many things for me, but one of them is to never take being nestled in this velour armpit for granted again. I love you Jem.
A lot of COVID testing went into being reunited with my true blue 💙 after a full year- the longest we’ve been separated since the 7th grade (save for one very strange moment in college that we don’t really like to talk about where I visited her in Rhode Island and she avoided me and the only glimpse I caught of her during the whole trip was when she streamed by on the back of this guy Tristan’s moped.) This pandemic has reframed many things for me, but one of them is to never take being nestled in this velour armpit for granted again. I love you Jem.
I recently found myself in a moment where I had to use my lessons or suffer- I had two choices, to dig deep into my knowledge or sit in an old kind of pain, and I realized “I actually have gained skills and perspective.” So….in this edition of Lessons I Learned So That Hopefully You Don’t Have To, we tackle codependent behavior… Early in my thirties I realized that not *everyone* around me lived or died by the ding on their phone, shook in terror at the idea of someone, anyone, being angry with them, or was clocking praise from those closest to them like I clocked points that time I tried Weight Watchers. And while many wiser women have written books to this effect, here are some of the mantras that have found me where I am, living in a lot less fear:
– you can’t do it for them (fix that habit, change that worldview, lift that pain)
– to paraphrase the queen Maya Angelou, when someone tells you who they are- like really truly please actually listen. They’ll say it every day.
– fantasy is lovely, but when you start living in constant fantasy about someone changing, evolving, showing up in a magical new way it’s time to look for healthy ways to reroute your thoughts.
– people need to work to gain your trust. It’s something worth working for.-energy should be given in correlation to energy received. Like, what’s fair is fair (unless someone you care for needs you for a legitimate reason. You know, we are reasonable and flexible here people.)
– here’s one that ONLY applies to sex partners, so cover your eyes and ears MOM: sex is intimate and glorious, but it can also serve as a veil for other forms of intimacy, and make you feel like you know someone in ways you really don’t. That’s the only good argument I’ve ever heard for waiting a few dates to do it, and even that’s pretty weak, but it’s something to keep in mind as your journey.
– look at larger conflicts within yourself. Do you crave a stable relationship but consistently date touring EDM musicians? Do you hate conflict but choose super fiery friends? Examining your own cross-firing instincts is a big deal and kind of a life saver.
I. LOVE. YOU. EVEN. WHEN. YOU. BLOCK. AND. UNBLOCK. xx Lena
Okay people she got dressed again to not leave the house – and I can tell you that @lisasaysgah has the plus size fits on lock. (Jacket and boots by @staud.clothing, necklaces by @missomalondon, painting by me, attitude by Ingrid)
Okay people she got dressed again to not leave the house – and I can tell you that @lisasaysgah has the plus size fits on lock. (Jacket and boots by @staud.clothing, necklaces by @missomalondon, painting by me, attitude by Ingrid)
Wise men say only fools rush in #boycrazy #theking
My beloved friend @miss_ashcon took this photo of me on set-we were between setups and she said “find your light” and something about the speed of it and trusting her so deeply allowed me to look at her- like really, really look at her. When I saw the developed photo, I couldn’t help but notice my eyes (duh, I’m wearing a mask so they’re the only thing on my face). To me, it feels like they were aching to express something- about the moment we’re in, about connection or lack there of, about how I hope to be seen and to see someone. I tried to write down what I thought I might be feeling and this came out… So next, in this installment of using IG as a journal:
Some people really think they’re unique. Others spend their whole lives trying not to be. I’ve found that I’m attracted to the people who live on the margins of those two distinctions. Maybe our eccentricity is in the different ways we handle the inevitable, the bullshit that crashes on our doorstep unbidden. When I meet a person who shows up for me in my totally unique way, who might be what we’d call a life partner, I hope I can look them in the eyes (just like I can look into sweet @missashcon’s camera) and say:
I am here. No questions. No hesitations. I am just here. With you. Accepting you. I will love you through magical journeys through the forest on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, looking around at the trees and wondering how we never noticed them before, and terrible mistakes you think you cannot confess. You are allowed to hurt me by accident, to succumb to stupidity and horniness and to be battered by the world just so long as you allow me the same. I myself am so imperfect. I will sleep too late. I will get distracted by my art and the internet and old pain. I will fight you on questions I don’t actually know the right answer to and I will never, ever come to brunch. But I will be there. I won’t go. I am unshakeable, unless you want to shake me. And that’s what the ones who left me- friends and lovers alike- did not know. They didn’t see my tenacity, because it’s a small thing flaming in my chest that rises and yells once a day, usually at about four am. But that’s enough to make shit happen.
Entering every room trying to model my new Karen Millen fit for no one, quarantine style – thank you Karen for bringing the ferocity for us babies who got back 🍑
Entering every room trying to model my new Karen Millen fit for no one, quarantine style – thank you Karen for bringing the ferocity for us babies who got back 🍑
Entering every room trying to model my new Karen Millen fit for no one, quarantine style – thank you Karen for bringing the ferocity for us babies who got back 🍑
Welp, we did that… Made a lil movie during a pandemic, being as cautious and creative and loving as we could. And it reminded me why I do this job: to collaborate with people who make my mind spin and soar, and to tell stories about things I used to believe/fear needed to be kept secret. I am in love with this cast and crew of infinite bad asses, and cannot wait to show you what we’ve made… Sharp Stick, coming soon to a something near you (because what are movies anymore!? I hope they are eternal, because fuck I love them!!!)
Welp, we did that… Made a lil movie during a pandemic, being as cautious and creative and loving as we could. And it reminded me why I do this job: to collaborate with people who make my mind spin and soar, and to tell stories about things I used to believe/fear needed to be kept secret. I am in love with this cast and crew of infinite bad asses, and cannot wait to show you what we’ve made… Sharp Stick, coming soon to a something near you (because what are movies anymore!? I hope they are eternal, because fuck I love them!!!)
Welp, we did that… Made a lil movie during a pandemic, being as cautious and creative and loving as we could. And it reminded me why I do this job: to collaborate with people who make my mind spin and soar, and to tell stories about things I used to believe/fear needed to be kept secret. I am in love with this cast and crew of infinite bad asses, and cannot wait to show you what we’ve made… Sharp Stick, coming soon to a something near you (because what are movies anymore!? I hope they are eternal, because fuck I love them!!!)
Welp, we did that… Made a lil movie during a pandemic, being as cautious and creative and loving as we could. And it reminded me why I do this job: to collaborate with people who make my mind spin and soar, and to tell stories about things I used to believe/fear needed to be kept secret. I am in love with this cast and crew of infinite bad asses, and cannot wait to show you what we’ve made… Sharp Stick, coming soon to a something near you (because what are movies anymore!? I hope they are eternal, because fuck I love them!!!)
A Cosmetic Fix Isn’t enough. #TimesUpGlobes
Doing The C-Word Podcast is my favorite thing on the damned planet – we have the most joyous time talking about the lives of women considered crazy by society. Wanna binge us over this holiday break? Go ahead, sweet children!!! Link in bio.
Doing The C-Word Podcast is my favorite thing on the damned planet – we have the most joyous time talking about the lives of women considered crazy by society. Wanna binge us over this holiday break? Go ahead, sweet children!!! Link in bio.
Doing The C-Word Podcast is my favorite thing on the damned planet – we have the most joyous time talking about the lives of women considered crazy by society. Wanna binge us over this holiday break? Go ahead, sweet children!!! Link in bio.
Doing The C-Word Podcast is my favorite thing on the damned planet – we have the most joyous time talking about the lives of women considered crazy by society. Wanna binge us over this holiday break? Go ahead, sweet children!!! Link in bio.
Doing The C-Word Podcast is my favorite thing on the damned planet – we have the most joyous time talking about the lives of women considered crazy by society. Wanna binge us over this holiday break? Go ahead, sweet children!!! Link in bio.
