Claudia Black Instagram – Covid-19 began to tug on all of my undigested trauma. Sitting with the unpredictable waves of it all, I had an epiphany; our primitive, ancient nervous systems are not designed to combat *invisible* threat. My teachers started doing webinars about it. “Clients will start regressing…anything unprocessed will be up right now… The virus is an invisible threat and poses an existential one also. Any near death experiences they’ve had, drownings, Intubations as babies etc. etc. all the developmental stuff… it’s all going to get triggered.”
My inner child tends to be most noisy when she’s scared, lonely or having a great time. She started to chat.
“When will someone hug me? Will we ever be touched again? What if I’m scared going to bed at night?” Yikes. I did not have great answers for her and she was not having a great time.
We’ve all had our different constellations of people with whom to navigate small spaces or great distances during lock down. I have been in the -single mum recovering after an horrendous, traumatizing divorce juggling a total life crash, CPTSD, while broke in a four-job hustle and on my own-bubble of covid; with large doses of gratitude that I have in fact, been alone. Adult me considers it a great privilege. The paradox of PTSD is that is fragments, separates and isolates-kicks you out of the Queendom of Belonging -and yet it also needs a lot of space. A lot of quiet. I had done a lot of big girl work prior to Covid transmuting my loneliness into aloneness. I was once again enjoying my own company and able to admit without shame when I was feeling lonely. The acknowledgment itself would often shift the feeling. My experience would shift. And I would go back to the disciplined practice of my aloneness.
A few weeks into lock down, I came across a teddy bear in a drawer I’d bought as an impulse-buy-bed-accessory for incoming guests in my airstream. It had seemed like a cute gesture; a way to support the illusion of a home away from home. When my inner little one saw it, she snatched it up and hugged this illusion of home hungrily. I smiled watching myself. Teddy was never going to be enjoyed by any guests. Teddy was now mine. Ours. Hers. 1/ | Posted on 23/Sep/2020 04:01:33
