Eurgh, worst couple of days. Been in hospital with bloody kidney stones 😫. The nurses have made me my own hat to cheer me up. Absolute bloody beauts 😇 😍 💖
Turn my back for five seconds and buckbeaks ripped into my foundation. Entire bottle of charlotte tilbury pissed away. Fuck my life
This is unbelievably embarrassing, but going through pics for the book and found these modelling photos I had done because I thought i was so fit. Ended up lying to guys in the club and telling them I was an ann summers model. Oh god I’m just barfing with cringe
Topping up my phone so I could keep sending flirty messages to goth boyfriend Jamie. Got my mum to ask hmv if I could have this picture of snape from their window display as it reminded me of Jamie. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 gonna save the better pics for the book found some absolute fucking corkers today
Going through pictures for my new book and found this one of me and my cousin before hitting the club. (Our fucking tops have ‘rude’ written on them ffs 🤣🤣🤣🤣😍) thought I looked so fucking hot and my head looks like its been badly photoshopped on.
Happy Easter you chocolate loving tits. Really exciting news coming soon. Thankyou so much to @hollymua and @feelunique
@staceysolomon mate, us working class kings are topping the charts. If any of you other knobhead authors beat us , me and @staceysolomon going duff you up in an asda carpark
Covid bitch
Still pinching myself, can’t quite believe it. I love you all …. unbelievable 🥲
Winding up my publisher part 1
Part 5
Can anyone else put their tits in a ponytail? Me saggers have got long enough
SHAG MARRY AVOID
JAMIE REDKNAPP EDITION
Avoid: spice boys jamie, he blow dries his curtains aswell as his pubes, our date will consist of watching him play sonic on the Sega mega drive and listening to him boasting about how he many times he’s been on oblivion at alton towers. He also wears alien sunglasses which make his eyes look so close together you could mistake him for a cyclops. Biggest red flag is that he gets pissed on 2 lemon barcardi breezers. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
Marry: baby face jamie, hes the childhood sweetheart. He’s in his first year at college studying sport science amd he’s just passed his driving test. you are still in your last year at secondary school, but he’ll still make sure he’s waiting in his Renault clio outside the school gates for you so you can show him off and snog infront all the immature dick boys in your year. Things fall apart however when you go to Bristol uni and fuck as many blokes in fresher week as possible because baby faced jamie has turned into such a drip, you start dreading him driving up to your campus to meet you at weekends with a sad bunch of interflora roses and a lasagne his mum made for you because she’s worried your not eating.
SHAG: Rugged jamie, he’ll navigate your body like the football field and he’ll score everytime. He’s matured, he knows what he wants and he can keep going and going. You’ll love to watch him wash his perky arse in the shower with some radox for men just after a steamy session and he’ll be fucking great at getting good dinner reservations but will give you the ick when he gets a fungal foot infection from wearing tan boating shoes with no socks.
YOUR ANSWERS PLEASE
A snapshot of Life in my household…
My face after meeting @jamesarthur23
Back in the day when me and the girls would have to flirt with the boy racer in our village to get him to drive us up to Thorpe Park
I fell asleep with my bloody makeup and its all over my fucking pillow
My ode to wonky knob. Thankyou so much to @hollymua and @feelunique
Only a very small amount of signed copies AVAILABLE NOW! when they’re gone they’re fucking on. Click the link on bio
