Shalita Grant

Shalita Grant Instagram – This poem is one of tools that has saved my life.
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My first suicidal ideation was at 8. I landed on this as a last resort. My childhood was full of abuse, neglect and by 8 I had figured cutting my wrists would change things.
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The next period of time that I struggled with this was at 12. By that point my mom had become a Christian and I thought her taking religion would change things. When it didn’t, the pain of the disappointment was unbearable. Once again I believed ending my life was my only viable option.
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At 15, I was so despondent but sure that my life was better over, I shared my thoughts with another teen. I shared how angry I was with my family. How hurt I was. That my thoughts were so dark. And you know what she told me: Killing myself would only let them win. I let that be my fuel to keep living, “I’ll show them” was the fuel I ran on. And I achieved. I got out of my family system, I traveled the world at 17, got into Juilliard, was a presidential scholar… all with this giant hole in my heart.
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Eventually, achieving things left me feeling as empty and meaningless as I did when I was a child. And once again, in my 20’s I was struggling again.
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I’ve been in therapy for 12 years and I’ve still had these moments. But the longer I’ve chosen life, and to TRULY live – because that’s what I’ve learned from my depression/anxiety and suicidal ideation: I can not afford to live inauthentically. All of these methods of suicide are just as painful as whatever emotional anguish I’ve been in. I choose inspiration when I struggle with circumstances that trigger my anxiety. Because those anxious lies say there’s only one way out. But when I look to the left and right of me, when I listen to other people’s stories of making it out of situations, I realize I have infinite choice.
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You never know what’s behind someone’s smile. The darkness that they’ve faced. It feels like a gift when I know that choosing to live has brought other people joy. Choose life friends. Choose life no matter how hard it seems.
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I love you.
#mentalhealthawarenessmonth | Posted on 28/May/2021 21:20:35