“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” —Viktor Frankl
If you wrote this quote as a formula, it might look like this: S( )R.
This week, I’m celebrating 26 years of sobriety. Before I got sober, there was no space at all between the S and the R. Something happened, someone did or said something, and I’d come out swinging or fearing or worrying or apologizing. I responded in a way that led to more stacked stimuli and responses. There was very little growth and very little freedom.
I’ve learned to pry open that space over the past 26 years. Breath, curiosity, better sleep, working out, intention, therapy, prayer—I’ve learned to practice what Buddhists call the sacred pause.
But the past two years have taken a toll, and now it’s time for a serious recommitment to creating and maintaining space. For me, this includes a three-month sabbatical, a break in podcasting and social media, and making sure our team takes time away. You can read more on the website.
In one of the best speeches I’ve ever heard, actress, screenwriter, director, and producer Michaela Coel said, “Do not be afraid to disappear, from it, from us, for a while and see what comes to you in the silence.” I’m a big fan of silence. I can’t wait!
We set audacious goals in our organization—like “Start global conversations about shame and vulnerability”—but this might be our boldest move yet.
We’ll be back this fall. Rested and ready for our next audacious goal. You can follow the link in profile to read more about our break.
Stay awkward, brave, and kind,
BB
P.S. The stimulus/response quote has a long and unknown history. We know it’s not Stephen Covey (per him). Many scholars think it’s Viktor Frankl. You can read more in the post on brenebrown.com.
Our first podcast back.
Topic: Shaking shit out of trees.
Missed y’all.
ABK ❤️👊🏼❤️
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are out with a new book—“The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy”—and have graciously agreed to join me on the next two episodes of “Unlocking Us.” (Bonus: Ashley, Barrett, and I will then sit down for a third episode in this series, on October 12, to break down what we’ve learned.)
Sharing a huge learning from the book about what happens when we focus on what’s wrong:
“Here’s what happens in distressed relationships, over and over: We all have needs. We all have valid desires. But we don’t say them. We drop hints. We suggest. We stay safely in the shadows. We hope our partners will ‘just know.’
“We tell ourselves a story about why they should be able to figure it out without us having to say it (‘It’s obvious! It’s just common sense!’), and we believe it. Then, when our partners fail to magically fulfill those needs, we feel resentful. We begin to believe that our partners don’t care, are thinking only about themselves, are too busy for us, or no longer value the relationship as they once did.
“And so we criticize them. ‘You always.’ ‘You never.’ These red flag phrases alert us that a couple is in shaky territory: the negative perspective might be starting to set in.
“They’re scanning for what’s wrong, and losing the capacity to notice what’s right.
“And the end result is criticism, which is when we take aim at who someone fundamentally is, instead of distinguishing between the person and the action.”
Join us for these podcasts on #UnlockingUs—they’re direct, honest, and actionable!
Our three-part series with Drs. John and Julie Gottman @gottmaninstitute—clinicians, researchers, and authors of the new book “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy”—continues!
As they write in their actionable guide to relationship-building:
“We’ve studied more than 3,000 couples in the Love Lab, following some for as long as 20 years, and we’ve studied more than 40,000 couples about to begin couples therapy. And we’ve discovered that there are universal factors that make or break a relationship, that predict whether a couple will stay together happily, or not.
First, a couple needs to stay curious about each other. We all grow and change over time. Successful couples know this and take the time to make and expand their ‘love maps’—their knowledge of each other’s inner worlds.
Second, the couple needs to share fondness and admiration. That means, among other things, seeing and appreciating the good things your partner does, finding and focusing on the things you admire about them, and expressing these things out loud or with touch.
And third, the couple turns toward each other instead of turning away. That means they make and respond to what we call ‘bids for connection.’ Bids can range from little things, like calling each other’s names, to big things, like asking for deeper needs to be met. Successful couples are savvy enough to notice when their partner is making a bid, and they drop what they’re doing, if necessary, to engage.”
Listen to the Gottmans talk about “The Love Prescription” on #UnlockingUs.
This was such a critically important podcast conversation with organizational psychologist and friend @scott.sonenshein that we released it on both “Dare to Lead” and “Unlocking Us” this week.
Our team gathered in person this week for the first time in two years. There was anxiety, grief, joy, awe, connection, curiosity, exhaustion, and exhilaration. Over the past two years, we’ve done amazing work together, we’ve struggled mightily, babies were born, we buried people we love—life has changed us. It’s clear that we’re all new. Even those of us who have been around for over a decade.
For our team, this is a reset, a reevaluation, and a rising. I can’t tell you how much this conversation helped frame this very unique moment in time.
Anyone who knows me or my work knows the immeasurable influence Father Richard Rohr has had on my life.
Rohr is a Franciscan friar and ecumenical teacher, and his words live on Post-it notes all around my house; his numerous books are tattered and torn, as I’ve returned to them time and again, especially in the past couple years.
In this magical two-part “Unlocking Us” conversation, Father Richard graciously expands on just a few of the quotes that have turned my world upside down, sharing his thoughts on what it means to be humbled by the mysteries of faith; how we often misinterpret God as a dictator, not a lover; and how we’re ill-equipped to grasp the infinite nature of God and God’s love. This truly unforgettable conversation left me filled to the brim with love and connection.
Peace be with you.
Antisemitism is the epitome of lovelessness and dehumanization. You can’t love yourself or anyone else when you stand in lovelessness. Antisemitism in all forms is violence. It corrodes what connects us as humans.
Check out Part 2 of an unforgettable conversation with Father Richard Rohr. The Franciscan friar and I really go there—asking and answering hard questions about certainty and the ego, and sharing our thoughts on the spiritual yearning of today’s up-and-coming generations. It’s a beautiful discussion with a beautiful person.
Standing with the women of Iran on this #InternationalDayoftheGirl.
I’m inviting our wholehearted community to contribute to the work being done by @together.rising to stand with the #WomenofIran.
As you know, we take responsibility for vetting the nonprofits we ask you to support. We are committed to funding people on the ground doing the work.
The incredible thing about this community is the amount we can raise from $5 and $10 contributions.
From Together Rising:
We continue to stand in heartbroken, defiant solidarity with Mahsa Amini and courageous Iranians protesting her gruesome murder and a regime controlling their bodies, freedom, and autonomy.
Nearly 200 people have been killed and thousands have been arrested and detained, many of whom were journalists. Students are risking their lives to protest at more than 100 universities, only to be met with deplorable violence, being trapped, gagged with plastic bags, beaten, shot at, arrested, and detained.
Our team has been searching diligently for the best way to support their fight.
Iranian activists are urging us to continue amplifying what’s happening on the ground in Iran. With the country under a state-controlled internet blackout designed to limit the information shared about the regime’s brutal response to the protests and abhorrent treatment of their citizens, sharing stories of solidarity and protest is more critical than it’s ever been.
We are listening. That’s why you are investing in the Center for Human Rights in Iran, an Irani-led organization that is so deeply embedded that Iranians on the ground trust them to amplify their voices and stories.
In addition to amplifying voices, the @centerforhumanrights has 14 years of experience advocating for human rights for Iranians. From helping to change death penalty laws, to advocating for stays of execution for juveniles, to securing medical releases for prisoners, they’ve never wavered in their commitment to the Iranian people and will remain steadfast for the months and years to come.
A critical mass of love and action will change the world. Thank you.
To give, see link in bio.
Illustration by @feizabadi.art. Used with permission.
This conversation was so much fun! And so much learning.
We go hard. We stay curious. We change each other’s minds. We even call a Zack Morris–style timeout at one point (for all you ’90s kids out there). We dig into the state of work, leadership as service, and the power of helping others.
Grateful to @adamgrant and @simonsinek for their friendship, mentorship, and for trusting me when I reach out with a random text: “Hey, y’all want to jump on the podcast with me? I’ve got a fun idea, but I don’t want to tell you until we’re on air.”
This is one you won’t want to miss. #DaretoLead
@rtulshyan’s latest book is a must-read! “Inclusion on Purpose” centers the experience of women of color and provides a framework of intentional actions—on both the individual and the organizational level—to neutralize workplace bias and foster environments that are diverse, equitable, and inclusive.
As Ruchika says in her book, inclusion is the most important leadership trait today—and one that can be learned through awareness, intention, and regular practice. I can’t wait for y’all to be a part of this conversation.
We have two “Dare to Lead” favorites back with us today who are really important people to me: @rare_coach and @rtulshyan.
In this two-part series, we are digging into what it means to belong. What are we getting right with DEIB work? What are we still not doing well? Can you talk about belonging without talking about shame, guilt, and vulnerability?
Creating a culture of belonging is the core of real leadership—of daring leadership. Creating a culture where people believe they belong is not an add-on. Belonging is the heart of courageous leadership—it’s the lifeblood of organizations.
As we dug in and opened up, this quickly became one of the most important and emotional conversations we’ve had on “Dare to Lead.”
Join us on the long walk. We’re better together. Click the link in bio to listen.
Our Texas roots run generations-deep and our belief in a better Texas runs even deeper!
I’m grateful to @betoorourke, who is running for Texas governor, for joining me on today’s special dual “Dare to Lead”/“Unlocking Us” crossover podcast episode—and for his willingness to be vulnerable and not shy away from some hard questions around power, dehumanization, sensible gun reform, and women’s rights.
I think you’ll find this conversation interesting and relevant no matter where you call home. And whether you agree or disagree with Beto’s position on things, he’s a strong leader with a different approach—and I respect the authenticity.
At the heart of our Dare to Lead work is the belief that “who you are is how you lead.” I think we get a really good picture of Beto in this conversation. Listen in at the link in bio.
Early voting starts next week on October 24, with Election Day coming up on November 8.
P.S. Thanks to Henry, Beto’s son, for helping his dad narrow down those top five songs. As a music lover, it’s not an easy task.
So much learning and laughing in this conversation with @adamgrant and @simonsinek. These two quotes were big aha moments for me!
Every now and then, a book completely changes my perspective and/or gives me a new lens to understand what’s happening in the world. @anandwrites’ new book, “The Persuaders,” has done both!
He writes, “The tendency to write off is rooted in the assumption that differences of identity are unbridgeable, that people are too invested in their privileges and interests to change, that the failure to achieve change in the past predicts failure in the future, that people and their opinions are monolithic and strong rather than complicated and fragile, and therefore the purpose of politics is to protect yourself from Others and galvanize your own instead of trying to reach across.”
In my experience, this is painfully true. Specific things I learned:
What does it mean to forgive WITH accountability?
Why is language so important when we’re bridge-building, and what skills are needed to communicate across barriers?
How is write-off culture one of the greatest threats to democracy?
What a book! What a conversation! Listen at the link in bio. #UnlockingUs
“I am cringe, but I am free.”
This is the most awkward, brave, and kind conversation with Pixar filmmaker and badass creator @domeeshi.
@bamitskam is a singer-songwriter, music producer, activist, writer, and the lead singer of the Gulf Coast soul band @thesuffers.
You know their kick-ass song “Take Me to the Good Times” from the “Dare to Lead” podcast.
In this episode, Kam and I talk about what it means to lead a creative team and what it means to set audacious goals, to fall and fail, and the power of getting back up.
Kam explains the daily conflict that bubbles up in the creative process and how normalizing that conflict helps us get to the creative magic.
The joy, the expansiveness, and the soul of The Suffers are inextricably connected to the inclusivity, representation, and diversity of the band. Kam seems to never forget that joy as she leads, and it comes through in this conversation.
So grateful to @taranajaneen for calling me and saying, “Hey, I have an idea.” And, equally grateful for the writers who shared their hearts, their stories, and their truths with the world. Happy 1 year anniversary to “You Are Your Best Thing!”
Ashley, Barrett, and I share our reactions to the past two “Unlocking Us” episodes with Drs. John and Julie Gottman @gottmaninstitute, starting with the Gottmans’ favorite question to ask each other: “What’s on your mind and heart today?”
It’s not easy work when you’ve never seen it modeled and when you’re raised to believe that vulnerability is weakness. So much unlearning and relearning. And love. ❤️👊🏼❤️
Taking a page from the Gottmans: What’s on your mind and heart today?
Link in bio to listen to the episode.
I’m still thinking about @anandwrites’ story—how he sees the world, his experiences, and how all of that allowed him to bring us the stories and the people who’ve informed this concept of persuasion as being the heart of democracy.
Things feel hard right now and untenable and uncertain. But I don’t think we can shift this path until we understand where we’re walking. And that’s what Anand’s book “The Persuaders” does.
His deeply meaningful work leaves me with a lot of hope—hope for what we’ve achieved so far and a great sense of possibility about what can happen in the future.
I’m so glad you’re here for Part 2 of our conversation. Get ready to be persuaded. Link in bio.
