So one of my TikToks is doing numbers, and as usual, a pile of strangers have shown up to express disgust at my body. I won’t say that this has no emotional impact, but the contents of the hateful messages just feel… trivial. Maybe it’s just part of having been a fat public figure for so long, but I feel like I can hear what people mean under their vitriol… and so little or what they are saying is actually about me. I remember the time a young fat person DM’ed me: “I would want to die if people said those things about me – how can you stand it?” I wrote back, and told them the truth: Those people aren’t saying anything about me. They are saying something about the way they see the world. People who comment on other people’s bodies do so to express or reenforce their values and beliefs. Something about me feels challenging to them, and they feel the need to re-assert their beliefs out loud, in public. To be clear: they do this for themselves, not me. No one shows up on a stranger’s page and says awful shit to them for the stranger’s benefit. Maybe they’re saying: 🫥“I only value people who live in bodies I find sexually attractive.” 🫥“I work hard to have a fit body, and I believe only people with fit bodies deserve respect or attraction.” 🫥“I resent you because I hate myself, and I don’t understand how you don’t hate yourself, too.” 🫥“I perceive my social position to be higher than hours, so I have the right to mock you.” 🫥“I was raised to believe fat people are always miserable and self-loathing… who are you to break the rules?” With family & friends, body commentary is often a bungled attempt at love. “I am afraid you will not find a husband” or “I don’t want others to be cruel to you”. But whether people intend menace or care, the fact remains: body comments are simply reiterations of their own fears and desires, projected onto you and your perfectly acceptable body. Comments about our bodies are almost never actually about us, in any way, shape or form. This is worth remembering, because it also means that other people’s opinions of our bodies should hold but negligible weight when we are assessing our own worth. I hope this helps someone. ❤️
I love being on the road, and I am doing some necessary thinking and growth, but god damn… I miss my city so much. I took this a few weeks ago when I was home for a wedding. (I called no one, because I did not have one spare minute free, so rest assured that it was me, not you. I am coming back for some of that NYC fall magic the minute the weather turns! 🍁)
You already know the answer. Before anyone writes me an essay on why YOU, personally, need to change your body, let me just say: desiring change is normal. Humans are restless— it’s the curse of self-awareness. We want new jobs, different bodies, to swap out the chairs in our living rooms. We are eager to imagine what’s possible in the future and resistant to tolerating what is right now. I’ve said here that you owe no one the body you had in the past, and that extends to changes you want to make now. If you decide you want to have big muscles, I will cheer you on. If you decide you are done with restricting your food intake, I have my pompons ready! But if you are a person who primarily feels pressure to modify your body from outside sources, this is important information. Do you want muscles because your partner thinks superfit bodies are hot? Do you wear shorts at the beach because of how people look at your body? Are you in conversation with your body about what it needs and wants, or are you changing your body to answer other people? It isn’t wrong to make decisions that include insights from others, or to make decisions that keep you safe and comfy. But it’s helpful to think about how many of our decisions are influenced by the cultural consensus that there is a “right” way to look. Our responses to this pressure vary. Some prioritize looking whatever way will benefit them socially, while others simply try to fit in and avoid social penalty. Others resist the pressure or flout convention. Because power dynamics amongst humans are incredibly fraught, I don’t think any of these strategies are wrong— but I do think it’s important to understand that all of us choose strategies to avoid conflict or oppression in a culture that prizes certain bodies, objectifies or desexualizes others, and ranks all bodies according to an entirely arbitrary hierarchy. To that end, it’s worth asking what our fantasies about changing our bodies mean. Do you actually want to modify your physical form… or do you just wish you could exist peacefully in the body you already have? ❤️ ✨I want to affirm that you are worthy of love and respect, as you exist in this moment.✨
You should hear it hit the floor 💋 #backstage #behindthescenes #sparkles #showgirl
✨If you are always at war with your body, what would a truce look like?✨ is it possible for you to relate to your body without confronting it? What would you give up if you declared a truce? What would you gain?
✨Clothing is meant to fit you, not the other way around.✨ You do not need to fit into the clothing you wore five years ago. You owe no one an unchanging body. You do not ever have to wear the jeans you wore in high school again. You do not need to hang on to clothing that is unlikely to fit you again. If you own any clothing that you use as a tool of shame or punishment, please do not allow it to continue occupying space in your home. The fact that you spent money on something does not mean you need to rearrange your physical body around it, especially if doing so has mental costs. Your clothing should not pinch or hurt you (unless you’re into that sort of thing. 😏) Your partner’s fondness for an outfit is not a good reason to keep it around if it makes you feel bad about yourself. All that said, you are also under no obligation to throw away clothing that doesn’t fit you, so long as you are not using that clothing to harm yourself. Does it make you happy to know you have it? Does it fall within your body’s normal size fluctuations? Are you otherwise attached to it? Keep it! It sounds like it “fits” you and your life. Sometimes we are told that we are only allowed to own clothing that fits us, and it can feel like we are being punished for not staying the same size over time. Like food, clothing serves a variety of purposes. Some are practical, some are emotional, some are related to identity or community. And like food, our relationship with clothes can be positive, neutral, or negative. Discarding clothing that makes you feel bad about your body is a concrete step you can take towards accepting your body as it is. There are practical considerations to changing sizes, and I don’t mean to minimize them. Anxiety about having clothes that is real, as is actual clothing scarcity for folks with proportions that don’t match “standard” clothing shapes or sizes. You know best what is right for you and your life. But I do want to invite you to keep clothing that fits you and feels good in your wardrobe, and to opt out of letting the sizes you own dictate your opinion about what size you “should” be. Instead, start to honor the size you are. ❤️
Loving this painting by @bronwynmcivor — they used one of my recent self taken photos as a point of inspiration. I love how this is both recognizable and totally new, all at once. 💓🪷 #yourbodydeservesdaylight
Backstage at @laburlabee! I had an epic weekend in Colorado Springs- mor ephotoa forthcoming. THANK YOU EVERYONE for making me feel so gosh darn welcome, for signing up for my classes and for coming to cheer me on! I’m back in Denver performing this Saturday night (announcement about where tomorrow, so stay tuned!!)
✨Casual✨. 📸: @brokenglassfoto in Colorado Springs for @strippedavaldezproduction. I had so much fun!! (PS: I’m back in the Springs for a couple of days doing bus maintenance, holler at me if there are any fun shows to see! ❤️)
Living my best life at last Friday night’s STRIPPED! show! ✨ Did you miss me? Good news: I’m on tomorrow night for Carnivale de Sensuale’s HOTTER THAN HELL at @theorientaltheater in Denver. 🔥 I’ll also be attending tonight’s Sandman inspired show (Gaiman not Metallica but good question 🍎) at the same theater so if you are going and you see me— say hi! People always tell me they saw me and 🐔ed out on introducing themselves! I’m only mean on the internet, kids, I promise— I’m a real cupcake in person. 🧁 📸 by @brokenglassfoto
This photo was taken in Vegas on a disposable camera by @sassyvonstraddler just a few weeks ago, but in my mind, it was taken in the late eighties in a tony NYC bar, where the three of us have just finished relieving some finance bros of their Wall Street winnings for the week. 😇💸
✨SALT LAKE CITY!✨ I can’t wait to join @hottakeburlesque this Saturday night (June 24)! I’ll be there wearing a half-bored sneer & some black lipstick I’m just waiting for someone to smear… ⛓️🖤💄
✨Tell me a secret, or a wish that needs to be spoken into the world.✨ Feeling magic vibes tonight & wanted to share them. 🔮
💖HI BARBIE!💖 It’s good to have friends when you’re trying to🖕the patriarchy. Thank you Denver babes for such a fun night out!
When the wedding was gorgeous and you realize many glasses of rose later in a Hell’s Kitchen hallway that you didn’t take a single photo of your outfit so it kind of looks like you’re in the 1940s and maybe waiting for a bus. But still… good outfit, right?
Had a devil of a time at Carnivale de Sensuale! Thank you to everyone for making me feel so welcome, and celebrating the weirdest corners of burlesque. You’re the best. ❤️
On my mind. Wrote this when Roe v Wade was overturned but feeling it today. It’s in my stories as well in case these words are too little.
UTAH ✅ Thanks so much for including me in your punk pride show @hottakeburlesque! And yes I sure did fan dance to The Clash (and somehow manage to follow the very restrictive blue laws by wearing two pairs of underwear to get enough coverage and also keeping my bra on!) Big props to the performers who are out here keeping burlesque alive and kicking in the face of so much intolerance. Very punk rock of you. ❤️
UTAH ✅ Thanks so much for including me in your punk pride show @hottakeburlesque! And yes I sure did fan dance to The Clash (and somehow manage to follow the very restrictive blue laws by wearing two pairs of underwear to get enough coverage and also keeping my bra on!) Big props to the performers who are out here keeping burlesque alive and kicking in the face of so much intolerance. Very punk rock of you. ❤️
They say not to mix florals with polka dots but I do love to bend the rules! Having a grand old time in Nederland, CO, and thoroughly charmed by the @carouselofhappiness, which has an interesting backstory and is so clearly a community jewel. I’ll post a trip overview on my travel account (@lovejez) later this week- right now I have a brewery to visit and a silent disco to attend. 🎠
I am still working my way through BHOF photos and here is one with a cutie fellow Canadian @champagne_sparkles! BC, I wanna come play this fall! 😍
Well @darlindajust sent me this- I guess we’ve got a lil cameo in @taylormacnyc’s documentary! Being part of Taylor’s 24 hour show in NYC was one of the most unique and memorable experiences of my performance career and I so loved being reminded of it! ❤️
Look at all this fierce! 🔥 Thank you to everyone at @strippedavaldezproduction (esp. Valdez!) for making me feel instantly at home in Colorado Springs. When you tour (especially solo) you are always the “new kid in the block” in a room full of people who already know and love one another, but everyone made me feel so welcome— I even got the cutest little “welcome” bag of treats and show sundries! It was so wonderul to be in such a thriving, creative queer space and watch everyone light up that stage! ❤️ (📸: @brokenglassfoto)
🔥DENVER🔥 I am so thrilled to be joining the fantastic Carnivale De Sensuale this weekend on ✨SATURDAY NIGHT ONLY✨. I’ll be heating up @theorientaltheater with a sexy cast of sinners, including @bonbonbombay @tansyburlesque @ivahandfull & @redrumperformanceart! This is your only change to see me shimmy in the Mile High City, and it’s going to be one heck of a show, so don’t miss it! Lïñk in my bio 💋
