#ThoyNaysh, it’s time to show America, but really these Brits, how I run these kitchens! How I bang them mashes. Dunk them teabags. You get the idea! But what I was not expecting was Paulie Walnuts aka Paul J. Hollywood aka My Future Retirement Package to have me SHOOK and 💦.
Stream the Great #AmericanBakingShow: Celebrity Holiday free on @therokuchannel!
#thotnaysh, you are all UNHINGED during these Q&A seshes at my shows but I respect it. I better see you heauxes when I roll through your city and if you know Jon Hamm, tell him what’s good.
Come see me at one the following cities on my #MessyAF stand-up tour:
Oct 7th @thedanforthmusichall in Toronto
Oct 14th @thelincolndc in Washington DC
Oct 20th @bouldertheater in Boulder, CO
Oct 21st @buckheadtheatre in Atlanta, GA
Oct 27th @the_wilbur in Boston, MA
#StandUpComedy #Comedy #JonHamm
#ThotNaysh, at 38, I’ve entered my “I sit for 5/8ths of a concert while wearing sensible shoes” era. I saw Peter Gabriel this wk & being around all those rich whites in golf shorts made me feel like, I, too, have a second home. Unfortch, I don’t. But I do have a horny heart & parched mouth thanks to this wk’s honoree. He’s the kind of 🍆 that songs are written about & the kind of 🍌 that blows backs out. I’m talking about actor & our fav Canuck we wanna fu- #RyanGosling.
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Truth be told (Whose truth? Mine? Sojourner’s?), in the book of Goldic*cks, Ryan Thomas Gosling, who at 6 ft, 42 years of age, & a net worth of $70M, is the hot sauseege that’s juuuust right. #HALP. But for real! He’s tall enough for me to put on some Hokas & climb him like a Sycamore tree, old enough to know the pros & cons of beta carotene, but not too old that he says “It’s not the heat, but the humidity that gets ya” with the sincerity of an Amanda Gorman poem; and rich enough to have a lifetime subscriptch to “Generational Wealth” magazine. #EverydayisCrabLegDayIfYouDateTheRightPeen. Plus, he’s hot! His jacked body should be treated like a shrine – #BothRosaryAndAnalBeadsAreWelcome #HalpPartDeux – and he has a face card that doesn’t decline & a D we all wanna mainline! But it’s not just about lewks!
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He went from child star to grown up star cuz he has range: “Barbie,” “La La Land,” “The Notebook” & more. Not only can he pick a role, he can pick a life partner. He’s been with actress Eva Mendes since 2011 and said that once he met Eva, he realized he didn’t want to have kids without her & now they have two. What a mensch!
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He supports PETA, Invisible Children, & the Enough Project, & seems like non-messy dude. He’s also good at business: he owns a restaurant in LA & has a band called Dead Man’s Bones. AND WE ARE ALL MATURE ENOUGH TO NOT MAKE A NECROPHILIA JOKE RIGHT NOW. 😏
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Congrats, Ryan, for being the gahtdamn best. If you ever wanna write your feels down, you can open my heaux-book & scribble away. Welcome to the #ThirstyThursday Hall of Fame! #RyanGosling
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P.S. Y’all, my #MessyAF stand-up tour kicks off TODAY in San Fran! Click da link in da bio to see me. It’s gonna be fun & ig!
#ThotNaysh, your girl got a bun in the oven! Literal buns in the oven because I’m joining an incredible crew of hilarious people in The Great #AmericanBakingShow: Celebrity Holiday special! Stream free on @therokuchannel on November 10.
#ThotNaysh! Not Leonard Albert Kravitz blessing us on #ThirstyThursday eve (petition to make that an official national holiday so that we can have PTO aka paid time off to rub our PTOs aka peen/poon to obliteration) with a 7 second clip to fap to! #Halp. Do you know how difficult it is to fap to only 7 seconds of material? VERY! I’m spending more time swiping this reel up only to swipe it back down than I am using my fingies aka fingers to Silver Surfer up and down my clit. #HalpCuzMarvelBoutToSueMe. The point is Lenny stay putting us in a thigh chokehold – #IfIDieIDie – with the dreads! The nudity! The vocals! Him being the only man I will accept wearing leather boot cut pants in a bathtub! THIS IS HIGH ART! THIS IS THE RENEWABLE ENERGY SOURCE THAT WILL REVERSE CLIMATE CHANGE! THIS IS VIDEO I WILL PLAY AT MY FUTURE WEDDING TO ANOTHER MAN. IDC. IDC. #HalpTheDisrespect. In closing, Lenny, I volunteer as tribute. You can find me at one my stops on my #MessyAF stand-up this fall. Hit me up! 😘 #LennyKravitz
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Repost: @lennykravitz
#ThotNaysh, not this @pascalispunk Happy Socks commercial from a few years ago causing a FEMA emergency in my 5 for $25 Xhilaration underoos! HALP!!! He can step, ball change on my puss puss. Pas de bouree on my booty cheeks. Toe stand on my titties. José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal, listen! We can be like Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift. Let’s make this ish happen. I’m a successful comedian with a handle on my adult acne and a world wide Soho House membership. You’re an incredible actor who is a Zaddy to us all! We have the potench to be an all-time power couple! Hit me up or come see me at one the following cities on my #MessyAF stand-up tour (lol, always be promoting):
Oct. 7th: @thedanforthmusichall in Toronto
Oct. 14: @thelincolndc in Washington DC
Oct. 20: @bouldertheater in Boulder, CO
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Vid Repost: @amysedaris
There aren’t “teams.” That wasn’t an “explosion.” Humans lives – both Jewish and Palestinian – are being snuffed out. Tragically. Horrifically. And the blood is not only on the hands of terrorist organizations such as Hamas, but also on governments who have a vested interest in wars and conflicts continuing and not coming to an end. What has happened in the past week is difficult to encapsulate in words. Impossible to understand. We’re living in an age in which we are in echo chambers, people are arguing while no one is listening, propaganda being pumped out, and trauma being weaponized to kill others, the toll of which is immeasurable for generations to come. The continual heartbreak and devastation is not easy to process and while no one can save us, I at least feel the bare minimum to be expected from our political leaders is modicum of decency in the language being used. If there is anyone who understands the intentionality behind word choice, it’s political leaders. The casualness, the callousness in which Biden speaks is not lost on me. There is a level of detachment that goes beyond what is most likely required to do the job. Viewing this as a game, lessening the impact by calling it an “explosion,” tacking on some empty words when it comes to the Palestinians, it all just feels like theater. Performative. No real sense that the loss of lives are anything more than just numbers on a page. “Our team is up; their team is down.” And I don’t have the answers on how fix a decades long conflict or the definitive “right” way to talk about it, but I know it’s better than this. Unilateral support, sticking to talking points that are not in line with reality and what is actually happening, and viewing this as teams (and the British) is how we ended up here. Action matters and so does language. Language matters because it’s what shapes policy, history, how folks learn or are manipulated, and it emboldens people and governments to exert power over others. There are no teams and this is not a game. In moments like these, there is only destruction, horror, irreparable trauma, agendas by regimes. So call these moments by their proper names or don’t speak.
Oh, Kenny. This doesn’t feel real or make sense that you’re gone. I’m so used to me trying to book you on one of my shows and you being way too busy to do it because of course you were. You’re were fucking hilarious and a wonderfully special addition to anyone’s lineup. We didn’t know each other super well, but I always admired how funny, kind, and talented you were. Yes, you loved stand-up and wanted to succeed, but you didn’t let the pursuit of your passion corrode your spirit. So heartbreaking that you’re no longer here. My heart is with you, your family & friends. Thank you so much for the laughs and the light. You’ll be deeply missed. RIP. 💔💔💔
#ThotNaysh, I got my entire life last wk at the @magicmikelive show in Vegas. The men were fine, delectable, and sweaty! #Lick. My dress was cute and a lil sheer so my chocolate nip was making an appearance but it was an “under 5 line” part, so no residuals, hunny! #SAGAFTRAStrong. Highly recommend going to MML. It’s wild, sexy, ignorant and this wk’s #ThirstyThursday honoree because the more dong, the merrier. Love and light!
#ThotNaysh! HOW IS SEPTEMBER OVER? Clearly, she wasn’t here for us. Like she really was that girl who came to our vision board party early while we’re arranging magazines, scissors, & glue, had the signature drink, then bounced to another party full of peen. RUDE! But I get it cuz who has time for risking paper cuts when you want someone up in dem guts? HALP! Point is, ppl move on like today’s honoree, who’s ending her tour this wkend. 🥹. Sad, but let’s raise a glass to the singer, fashion/beauty icon, businesswoman, & philanthropist, who had us giving Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil Fashion Week in our silver lewks at her concerts, helped us identify the assholes of the world by who couldn’t STFU during the #MuteChallenge, & turned us all into Colum-heauxes aka PIs in Shein trenchcoats as we asked WHERE. ARE. THE. VISUALS? I’m talking about @beyonce.
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Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is THE smoke show! Why? Cuz she’s the go-to compliment non-black ppl use for Black women. Once, a French lady said I look like Beyoncé. To quote Adele: “WHEN? WHERE? NAUR!” & then I bought the ring Frenchie was trying to sell. Just saying, if she said I look like Stacey Dash, I would’ve fromaged my ass outta there. That’s the power of Beyoncé! She helps a bitch get commish!
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Frfr, B is 🔥! Her boobs are glorious Burning Man sand dunes I’d loved to be trapped at, take ayahuasca, & talk about my dreams. Her flawless face makes the Mona Lisa look like expired low fat Chobani yogurt. But it’s not just lewks, y’all!
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Her résumé: Destiny’s Child (duh!), B has sold over 200 million albums worldwide, won 32 Grammys, & is the first solo act to have their first 7 albums debut #1 in the US. She’s a major philanthropist w/her Bey Good initiative. And much like The Fast & the Furious’s Dom Toretto, Bey is all about family from her close bond w/her parents to letting Blue shine on the #Renaissance tour!
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Congrats, Beyoncé, on being you. If Blue needs an understudy, lemme know & I’ll pack my Icy/Hot & come thru. Welcome to the #ThirstyThursday Hall of Fame!
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P.S. It’s mah birthday! The greatest gift you could get is going to my #MessyAF stand-up tour. Click da link in da bio for tix! #Beyonce
#ThotNaysh, LET’S GOOOOO!!!! Yep, your girl is running her FIRST EVER marathon to raise $10K (…or $20K) for @red ! Phoebe x (RED)? Name a better duo. OK, me & Pedro Pascal, but he doesn’t know I exist…yet!
Jokes aside, capping off the first year of my running journ-journ with the @bostonmarathon on April 15th is giving iconic. And so is you donating to this fundraiser!
Sponsor me and support the fight to end AIDS by clicking the link to donate in da bio. #BostonMarathon #RED #Running
#ThotNaysh, last night I was feeling 30-fine at @glamourmag’s Glamour Women of the Year Awards!!! I missed it last year because I got COVID, so I wanted to show up and show out this time. Giving you “sex club doily.” “Valentine day vixen.” “Harlot who pays her taxes on time.” ANYWAY! So many amazing speeches like America Ferrera’s and @quintab, @michellebuteau was the hostess with the mostest, and @amberruffin tried to talk me into going to the after party, but I ended up talking her out of going. Haha. It was toooooo far away! I met no single guys, but Maggie Rogers told me she loved my hair. A win is a win! #GlamourWOTY #BodyByPeloton #Fashion
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @fatimotisadare
Styling: Moi
Dress: Michael Costello x @revolve
Rings: @tiffanyandco & @ouraring
Shoes: you can’tsee them, but they’re @miumiu
Earrings: @benonijewelry
#ThotNaysh! It’s your girl, Pheebs aka the President of the Itty Bitty committee (the VP is Naomi Campbell & the Secre-titty of State is Florence Pugh) and I’m back with another edish of “A Penny For My Running Thots.” Today, we’re talking TITTIES! I used to be hella insecure about mine. Then I decided to stop obsessing over what society told they oughta be and put my focus elsewhere! Like running. Hanging with friends. Volunteer work. Trying to manifest Jason Momoa to dick me down! So many more important things, y’all! Lemme know below what you think your flaws are AND what you like about yourself! Life’s too short to be trashing yourself! #Running
P.S. I know, I know! Come see me on my #MessyAF tour! I won’t stop talking about it until it’s over, so you might as well come thru and see what all the fuss is about! Click da link in the bio!
#ThotNaysh, sometimes Thursdays are about hot peen and sometimes Thursdays are about damn near exposing your vajeen on national television like in this fun #TBT clip from @2dopequeens. What a fun and wild night this was! Looking for more fun and wild nights? Then come thru to my #MessyAF tour. My new hour is smart and ignorant just like I like it. It’s been a blast. Hope to see you heauxes there!:
Oct 14th @thelincolndc in Washington DC
Oct 20th @bouldertheater in Boulder, CO
Oct 21st @buckheadtheatre in Atlanta, GA
Oct 27th @the_wilbur in Boston, MA
Nov 3rd @revolutionhall in Portland, OR
Nov 4th @stgpresents in Seattle, WA
Nov 5th @voguetheatre in Vancouver, Canada
#StandUp #StandUpComedy #2DopeQueens
#ThotNaysh, I’m bringing the #MessyAF tour to @thedanforthmusichall in Toronto on October 7th at 7:30p! Click the link in the bio to get your tix if you haven’t yet!
Comment below and tell me what I should do, eat while I’m in town!
#ThotNaysh, the #MessyAF tour has been sooooo fun! Thank y’all for packing out shows and chatting me during the Q&As. Never know who’s gonna be in the audience. Shoutout to my astrologist/life coach @starlandalchemy! And YES, LET ME HAVE THE FANTASY THAT BONO AND I WERE BOO’D UP IN ANOTHER LIFE! 🤣🤣🤣
Come see me at:
Oct 14th @thelincolndc in Washington DC
Oct 20th @bouldertheater in Boulder, CO
Oct 21st @buckheadtheatre in Atlanta, GA
Oct 27th @the_wilbur in Boston, MA
Nov 3rd @revolutionhall in Portland, OR
Nov 4th @stgpresents in Seattle, WA
Nov 5th @voguetheatre in Vancouver, Canada
#standup #standupcomedy #bono
Damn! I’m still thinking about #IrishBae and the rest of U2 planning to have the opening night of their Vegas residency during my birthday wkend last wk. So honored. 🤣🤣🤣. For real, this show is brilliant. Powerful. Awe-inducing and I still think about it everyday. Thanks, B, for hooking us up with tix. They were the perfect birthday pressie. Cannot wait to see this show again. 🥹🥹🥹🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
we’re runners, we’re taking @jeffreymce’s World AIDS Day run.
#ThotNaysh it’s Frriiiiday! I’m giving citrus fantasy. Beta carotene affluent. Tangerine beauty queen. Why? My show at @LargoLosAngeles is SOLD OUT tonight! Thank y’all for the love!! Next stops on da #MessyAF Tour:
10/7: Toronto @thedanforthmusichall
10/14: Washington DC @thelincolndc
10/20: Boulder, CO @bouldertheater
Click da link in da bio to cop you some tix!
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @marmaladefreshclothing
Heels: @francosarto
#ThotNaysh! I’m a Getty Images heaux today!!! 🤣 A time was had at the first @comicreliefus winter fête gala last night. I was thrilled to be the unofficial MC of the evening. And I got to see da homie @roywoodjr! What a treat! Comic Relief is a wonderful organization that fights intergenerational poverty & social injustice. Support them! They’ve been doing the hard work since the ‘80s!
Makeup: Moi!
Hair: fresh braids by @sabsthegoodgirl & @aw3_201 and I just threw it in a half up, half down vibe
Styling: Moi!
👗: @retrofete
👠: #LeandraMedine
👛: @alexandermcqueen
#ThotNaysh! The #MessyAF stand-up tour is motoring along! Whoo! And I’mma be in Boston at @the_wilbur on October 27th! Yay! I have not been in Beantown in a min! So give me food recs, bookstores I should hit up, a nice place I can go for a walk, etc. Love you, mean it!
#ThotNaysh, this was from my trip to Zambia in 2022 with @red and now I’m running the 2024 @bostonmarathon for (RED)! We’re already over halfway to our goal of $10,000 raised that will go to life-saving programs and medicine. So let’s keep on sponsoring me and because it’s #GivingTuesday, I will match whatever we raise today!! So click da link in the bio to donate! I promise won’t let you down! #BodyByPeloton
#ThotNaysh, it was only a matter of time that my running journ-journ would lead to this! In honor of #WorldAIDSDay, I’m teaming up with @jeffreymce to do a special @onepeloton x @red class. The 30 Min World AIDS Day run is popping off on December 1st at 8:30amET/1:30pmGMT. I know that’s earls, but I’ll be looking cute, talking fun nonsense, & about the power of (RED). What a treat!!
You can peep the class on demand via Peloton Tread and Peloton App . Lace up them sneakers and join me, boos! #BodyByPeloton
#ThotNaysh! Come see me do stand-up in a city near yew. Boston. Atlanta. Minneapolis. New York. Boulder. Toronto. Portland. Seattle. And more. This hour is fun and I gotta pay my bills. Let’s do this. Click on the link the bio, heauxes. Love & light. #Standup #Comedy #StandupComedy