10.14.1958-10.14.2023
Happy birthday, mommy. For as long as I can remember, you were so excited to turn 65 so you could get Medicare. You did it. I’m so proud of you. I absolutely loved and cherished being your daughter and friend. When it’s my time I’m going to find you, okay? I promise. ❤️3
Hi mom. I wore the dress you got me two Christmases ago. I’m sorry I tried to donate it, you were right, it was really pretty. Wish you could have seen it on me. ❤️9
Hi mom. I wore the dress you got me two Christmases ago. I’m sorry I tried to donate it, you were right, it was really pretty. Wish you could have seen it on me. ❤️9
Hi mom. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t know where you are. Everyone told me before you left and also after that, I would be able to feel you with me always. Everyone is a liar. You were always immediately reachable, even when you lived in Seoul. We kept each other on FaceTime and sometimes weren’t even in the same room as our phones. I could always call out to you and you would respond. But you didn’t check instagram everyday, so I’d get your likes a few days later, without fail. So for now, I’m just posting, waiting for your likes, waiting for anything. Are you with Lucky? Your ashes were hand delivered to me yesterday. ❤️24
Hi mom. Three weeks ago I told you Christian was leaving for Japan for a quick shoot and you gasped and told me that was our dream and I had to go with him. I said yeah right, how could I possibly, with you, and Everest in school. Anyway I’m here, we came, we got here early last week. Dre + Isaac came too and are helping me with Evy, who is having the time of her life. I feel so lucky to have friends who are family, but I also really wish you were here. I didn’t know this would be the last thing you told me to do. ❤️16
Hi mom. Three weeks ago I told you Christian was leaving for Japan for a quick shoot and you gasped and told me that was our dream and I had to go with him. I said yeah right, how could I possibly, with you, and Everest in school. Anyway I’m here, we came, we got here early last week. Dre + Isaac came too and are helping me with Evy, who is having the time of her life. I feel so lucky to have friends who are family, but I also really wish you were here. I didn’t know this would be the last thing you told me to do. ❤️16
Hi mom. Going home was weird. Calling it home is even weirder, because it’s not home anymore, it hasn’t been home in a very long time, and here I am, calling it home. Nothing was familiar to me, but everything had memories. Evy hurt herself (she’s fine) and she screamed for icecream (which confirmed she was fine), and Andy said the closest place was Dairy Queen. I had mixed feelings but I drove us to that very specific DQ and this teenager took my order and didn’t she know that I’ve been in this very DQ for longer than she had been alive? And Andy and I watched Evy happily eating her ice cream in silence, because if we had spoken I think we both would have cried. And we went outside and I showed Evy the building next door that is now a carpet store, and instantly I time-traveled. Inside was a bustling restaurant with tables filled, customers happily eating their food, Christmas lights, me and Andy running around screaming at each other probably, and you, around the age that I am now, smiling, laughing, and alive. ❤️91
Hi mom. Going home was weird. Calling it home is even weirder, because it’s not home anymore, it hasn’t been home in a very long time, and here I am, calling it home. Nothing was familiar to me, but everything had memories. Evy hurt herself (she’s fine) and she screamed for icecream (which confirmed she was fine), and Andy said the closest place was Dairy Queen. I had mixed feelings but I drove us to that very specific DQ and this teenager took my order and didn’t she know that I’ve been in this very DQ for longer than she had been alive? And Andy and I watched Evy happily eating her ice cream in silence, because if we had spoken I think we both would have cried. And we went outside and I showed Evy the building next door that is now a carpet store, and instantly I time-traveled. Inside was a bustling restaurant with tables filled, customers happily eating their food, Christmas lights, me and Andy running around screaming at each other probably, and you, around the age that I am now, smiling, laughing, and alive. ❤️91
Mom, you’re missing everything. Everest is so smart, she’s talking a mile a minute. Last week she just suddenly started singing the song that we’ve been singing to her since she was a baby, she just started singing it in mandarin, and it killed me that you couldn’t hear it. When we got back from Japan, I got her in her own room downstairs finally and she’s sleeping in a full size mattress and she’ll fall out and then get back in and keep sleeping. She’s fully toilet trained. And she holds it all night til the morning even though I put her in a pull-up just in case. But mostly she’s so emotionally aware. When she cries, I ask her why she’s crying and she says she’s grumpy bc she doesn’t want daddy to leave to go to work. When I cry, she asks, are you happy, mommy? And I tell her I’m sad and she nods and says, okay mommy you sad now but later you happy okay? I read a book to her called Goodbye and now she walks around the house saying LaoLao died, LaoLao died, and I just am not ready for her to grow up this quickly because she’s 2 and also it means that time just keeps going. One day I’ll tell someone, oh forgive me, my brain, my mom just died, and they’ll ask me when, and I’ll realize it’s been years, and I’m not okay with that.
Mom, you’re missing everything. Everest is so smart, she’s talking a mile a minute. Last week she just suddenly started singing the song that we’ve been singing to her since she was a baby, she just started singing it in mandarin, and it killed me that you couldn’t hear it. When we got back from Japan, I got her in her own room downstairs finally and she’s sleeping in a full size mattress and she’ll fall out and then get back in and keep sleeping. She’s fully toilet trained. And she holds it all night til the morning even though I put her in a pull-up just in case. But mostly she’s so emotionally aware. When she cries, I ask her why she’s crying and she says she’s grumpy bc she doesn’t want daddy to leave to go to work. When I cry, she asks, are you happy, mommy? And I tell her I’m sad and she nods and says, okay mommy you sad now but later you happy okay? I read a book to her called Goodbye and now she walks around the house saying LaoLao died, LaoLao died, and I just am not ready for her to grow up this quickly because she’s 2 and also it means that time just keeps going. One day I’ll tell someone, oh forgive me, my brain, my mom just died, and they’ll ask me when, and I’ll realize it’s been years, and I’m not okay with that.
my fav person to Dutch oven with 🥹🥰
my fav person to Dutch oven with 🥹🥰
Hi mom. Today is your “2nd birthday”. You always said 10/14 was your American calendar birthday and 11/14 was your Chinese calendar birthday and if I ever forgot, wow. I dropped off Everest at school a couple hours ago, and I’ve been just sitting here waiting to pick her up. When she was at school was when we would have our alone time together. Finally. Finally we had that time. You moved in when I was 6 months pregnant and we were never alone after that. And now I’m all alone. Counting down til I pick Everest up. Counting down til Christian comes home from Vancouver. Counting down, counting down, counting down. Look how big Evy is. We got her new sunglasses. Happy 2nd birthday, mommy. ❤️31
Hi mom. Today is our 10 year anniversary with Leslie. We have been so loved and lucky ever since Leslie and her family came into our lives. You always said that. Remember when Kaden tried to shock you with his pen? He was only 5 then. This photo was from your birthday 4 years ago, 2019. Your death certificates came in the mail today. ❤️20
Hi mom. This was Mothers Day weekend this past May 2023. The first week of April I had rushed you to the ER because you couldn’t breathe. Your right lung had filled with fluid and collapsed. They took you off your chemo pill and put you on hospice. But this was 6 weeks later. I thought we were going to beat it. I thought there was no way anyone could tear us apart. I thought we were special. I thought we were going to be the less than 1% who was going to experience a miracle. ❤️28
Hi mom. Look at Andy. Christian and I went on the second day of the new year. Oh it’s 2024 now. But look at your son. You would have sobbed. I almost did. I lied because I said you wouldn’t have to worry about us, we would be okay and you could let go, and really we will continue living with you in us, but also we will never be okay. I wish you could have eaten at this intimate little sushi bar. It was so delicious and Andy was just so professional and also he was wearing a TIE! I took a million photos and videos and realized I couldn’t send them to you. ❤️85
Hi mom. Look at Andy. Christian and I went on the second day of the new year. Oh it’s 2024 now. But look at your son. You would have sobbed. I almost did. I lied because I said you wouldn’t have to worry about us, we would be okay and you could let go, and really we will continue living with you in us, but also we will never be okay. I wish you could have eaten at this intimate little sushi bar. It was so delicious and Andy was just so professional and also he was wearing a TIE! I took a million photos and videos and realized I couldn’t send them to you. ❤️85
Hi mom. Look at Andy. Christian and I went on the second day of the new year. Oh it’s 2024 now. But look at your son. You would have sobbed. I almost did. I lied because I said you wouldn’t have to worry about us, we would be okay and you could let go, and really we will continue living with you in us, but also we will never be okay. I wish you could have eaten at this intimate little sushi bar. It was so delicious and Andy was just so professional and also he was wearing a TIE! I took a million photos and videos and realized I couldn’t send them to you. ❤️85
Hi mom. Look at Andy. Christian and I went on the second day of the new year. Oh it’s 2024 now. But look at your son. You would have sobbed. I almost did. I lied because I said you wouldn’t have to worry about us, we would be okay and you could let go, and really we will continue living with you in us, but also we will never be okay. I wish you could have eaten at this intimate little sushi bar. It was so delicious and Andy was just so professional and also he was wearing a TIE! I took a million photos and videos and realized I couldn’t send them to you. ❤️85
Hi mom. Look at Andy. Christian and I went on the second day of the new year. Oh it’s 2024 now. But look at your son. You would have sobbed. I almost did. I lied because I said you wouldn’t have to worry about us, we would be okay and you could let go, and really we will continue living with you in us, but also we will never be okay. I wish you could have eaten at this intimate little sushi bar. It was so delicious and Andy was just so professional and also he was wearing a TIE! I took a million photos and videos and realized I couldn’t send them to you. ❤️85
Hi mom. Look at Andy. Christian and I went on the second day of the new year. Oh it’s 2024 now. But look at your son. You would have sobbed. I almost did. I lied because I said you wouldn’t have to worry about us, we would be okay and you could let go, and really we will continue living with you in us, but also we will never be okay. I wish you could have eaten at this intimate little sushi bar. It was so delicious and Andy was just so professional and also he was wearing a TIE! I took a million photos and videos and realized I couldn’t send them to you. ❤️85
🦩 A mom from my mom therapy group told us that flamingos lose their pink when raising their babies because it’s such an intense process but it eventually comes back. So if you’re feeling like you’ve lost yourself in parenthood, remember that your pink will come back. 💕
Two of my many hearts beating outside of my body ❤️
Hi mom. I was looking at these tortoise photos of our Ojai weekend and it made me realize that we humans will never be as old as them, and also at some point in my life, I may surpass your age. ❤️47
