I didn’t grow up with health insurance. We didn’t go to the doctor unless we were very sick so when I got health insurance, I didn’t know how to use it. The thing is, when we become adults, it is assumed that we all know how to do “adult things” but really, if you were never taught, it’s okay to say you don’t know.
From my @netflixisajoke special #MiddleClassy. On the road now prepping to shoot #UpperClassy next year. Tickets available on my website (cristelaalonzo.com) or on the link in bio. #cristelaalonzo
ENCYCLOPEDIAS: I’m here to tell you about a simpler time when showing you had money meant you had the internet in alphabetical books.
From my first stand-up special #LowerClassy (2017) on Netflix.
When you speak 3 languages. @cristela9
See Cristela tonight at 7pm in The Main Room with @ilizas @iamnikaking @jeffdye @rachelsafety @hunterhillcomedy more! Get tickets while they last at improv.com/hollywood #hollywoodimprov #comedy #language
Mic Drop favorite Cristela Alonzo hits the stage this weekend for five shows! Two shows are sold out already, so get your tickets fast! Cristela Alonzo made history when she became the first Latina to create, produce and star in her own network sitcom, Cristela for ABC. During that year, she split her time between LA and NYC to serve as one of ABC’s favorite guest hosts on their hit daytime talk show, The View. Cristela made history again when she became the first Latina lead in a Disney Pixar film when she voiced the character of Cruz Ramirez in Cars 3
I was born/raised in a Texas border town. My family still lives there. Creating laws that make you assume anything to feed into your paranoia and fabricated agenda that can/will traumatize anyone (especially children) for merely looking a certain way is disgusting. There will be people commenting from their spam accounts, their “private” accounts to spew their terribly worded cases because bald eagles, baseball, and something something Star Spangled flip flops…
This insane and reminds me of the old Alabama #HB56 from 2011.
Este país me ayudó tener oportunidades que nunca hubiera podido imaginar. Fue por la lucha de mi familia, de mi mamá….viniendo a un país buscando oportunidades como tener luz, agua que no tenemos que traer de un pozo…
Conozco a mucha gente que quiere la oportunidad de poder sobrevivir. Eso es todo lo que quieren. Y no vamos hacernos mensos. Tejas NECESITA a la misma gente que quieren lastimar con esta ley. La economía los necesita. La razón que esta ley existe es porque los republicanos quieren quedar en poder y quieren asustar a la gente inventando problemas. Si quieren ayudar a los residentes, porque no conponen la red eléctrica que fállese con lluvia y calor?
Pero sigo siendo La Dama.
Hahajaja<—bilingual laugh.
😘
Did your family have encyclopedia money? @cristela9
See Cristela tonight at 9:30 in The Main Room @longtimenoseecomedy with @melissavcomedy @preacherlawson @renevacacomedy @notalimac @resrieriao @davemerheje more! Get tickets at improv.com/hollywood #hollywoodimprov #comedy #the80s
Other women want sugar daddies, I want scrub daddies! @scrubdaddy hahaha
What’s your favorite #midlifeclubbing activity?
THIS WEEKEND AT MIC DROP DON’T MISS CRISTELA ALONZO.
Cristela Alonzo made history when she became the first Latina to create, produce and star in her own network sitcom, Cristela for ABC.
She’s also the first Latina lead in a Disney Pixar film! You may recognize her voice as Cruz Ramirez from Cars 3.
Today, Cristela tours around the country performing to sold-out clubs and theatres. Her first stand-up special, Lower Classy, is currently streaming on Netflix, and her highly anticipated second stand-up special, Middle Classy, was released world-wide on Netflix June 28th, 2022
UPPER CLASSY!!! 2024 DATES (so far)….I’ll add more but as of now, this is what I got. Click on the link in bio (or go to cristelaalonzo.com) to get tickets!! If you’re interested in getting tickets to upcoming shows not on sale yet, sign up for my email list so we can keep in touch and I’ll let you know when they’re available (and also a heads up on what I’m working on)! #CristelaAlonzo #UpperClassy #MiddleClassy #LowerClassy
Random Easter story about the year I ate chocolate Jesus as a kid. #AndAlsoWithYou
NASHVILLE THIS WEEKEND! Coming to do THREE shows @zaniesnashville from Thursday-Saturday!
Click on link in bio for tickets or copy this link: https://nashville.zanies.com/show/category/series/2024-cristela-alonzo/zanies-comedy-club-nashville/nashville-tennessee/
THANK YOU PORTLAND! I had a great weekend. Can’t wait to come back!
APRIL SHOWS:
Apr 5-7: @sanjoseimprov
Apr 19-21: @pittsburghimprov
MAY SHOWS:
May 10-12: @irvineimprov
May 16-18: @improvmilwaukee
ATTENTION! 📣 @cristela9 has an important announcement.
Grab your tickets early with presale code: WGSOCIAL
UPDATE: Still adding more cities. Tickets coming soon.
THESE CITIES GO ON SALE TOMORROW! FRIDAY, MARCH 8 AT 10 AM!
Jul 13: Santa Rosa, CA
Jul 14: Fresno, CA
I haven’t visited these cities in years and I’m FINALLY coming back as part of my #UpperClassy tour. Tickets will be available tomorrow at my website (cristelaalonzo.com)! Link tomorrow in bio!
PORTLAND!!! Coming this weekend to do FIVE shows @heliumcomedypdx! Ticket link in bio. Been a while since I’ve been there. Hope to see you there. It’ll be awesome. ❤️ #UpperClassyTour
NEXT SHOWS: SAN JOSE, CA!
I’m doing FIVE shows @sanjoseimprov next week! I love doing shows here and can’t wait. You can get tickets by going to the IMPROV page or going to my website: cristelaalonzo.com (link in bio)
SAN DIEGO! Coming to do FIVE shows @micdropcomedysandiego. One is sold out so far. Get tickets before they ALL sell out! Link in bio!
NASHVILLE! I am so excited to be coming to Nashville. I can’t believe it’s been years since I visited. Doing THREE shows @zaniesnashville
Tickets in bio. #cristelaalonzo
PORTLAND! I’m getting on a plane today to come visit you. Doing FIVE shows @heliumcomedypdx. Ticket link in bio!
ATLANTA GA! TICKETS ON SALE THIS FRIDAY AT 10AM!
I haven’t played Atlanta in years but I’m coming back. Get your tickets soon! It’ll sell out! Ticket link in bio! Save the link!
🌵 THIS WEEKEND AT ZANIES
Comedian, actress, and podcaster Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) returns to Zanies this weekend, March 14-16! Only a few tickets remain, so grab tix before they’re gone, Nashville! Calendar link in bio.
#nashville #musiccity #zanies #zaniesnashville #standup #comedy #comedyclub #jokes #cristelalonzo #languages
