Congratulations to the hard working parents and organisations committed to raising awareness around the impact on our children ( and their still developing brains ) of smartphone use … I researched this topic for my book and reference the works of @usforthemuk and am keen to support, including more recently @smartphonefreechildhood Once we know … we cannot ‘unknow’ … repost @usforthemuk When we launched our safescreens.org campaign in December 2022 many told us we’d struggle for support and that it would be impossible to get smartphones out of the hands of children. Not so now. We’re delighted to see reports such as this which confirm that a majority of parents would now welcome help in protecting children from rapacious Big Tech. It’s time to restrict the supply of smartphones to U16s. Join us at www.safescreens.org @telegraph #safescreens #healthytech #smartphones #safescreensforteens
In my first book ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’ I introduced my tip S.A.S for those moments when your child is ‘spinning out’ and you’re at a loss how to engage / calm them down The quickest way is to do it is by using what we call in psychotherapy ‘affect attunement’ – essentially where you tune in to your child and how they are feeling at that moment. Ie ‘wow you are so so sad right now, come I can see that let me help ‘ Or ‘Wow you are SO CROSS! I can SEE how CrOSS you are … you wanted the cookie? I know sweetheart it’s hard .. come to mummy / daddy … I know how tough it must feel … let me help ‘ And yes I know the RAGE can seem ridiculous to us adults ‘you brought me an apple to pick up and I wanted an ORANGE! Or ‘I WANT that cereal not THAT ONE!’ Or ‘you won’t let me stay up and I am MADDDDD!’ I explain all of it in my book .. because all behaviour is communication … its understandable for children whose brains are still in development to see the world differently to us. It does not mean we give in on the cereal, or the bedtime … but we ARE going to accept that it’s hard for little people with still developing brains to hold on to big emotions and regulate their behaviour as quickly as we adults ( usually!) do! Using SAS lets your child know you GET IT… you get that they are cross / angry / upset / disappointed … and that you SEE them in their distress and you are going to help ( not by giving in on the cereal or bedtime ) but by helping them to calm down … you can only do this when you first meet them where their energy is at ( if our voices are too flat it actually can enrage that little baboon even more because he doesn’t sense that you ‘get it ) and then we use our voice and body language to bring our children back to balance, back to calm. Hopefully ending with a soothing hug.. Doing this serves your relationship for the future … it shows your child ‘I can be with you even when you feel at your worst’ and … ‘I get that it is hard when we are disappointed ‘ but it’s ok, I am going to help you come through … #parenting #parentingtips #tantrums #emotions #overwhelmedmom #overwhelmed #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness
How often do you find it easy to express how you REALLY feel when someone asks if you’re ok? I’m a child therapist as well as a mother with two young kids. I know how difficult it can be for our children to find the words to explain how they’re REALLY feeling … how easy do you find it when someone asks if you’re ok…? Finding quick and safe ways for our children to SHOW us how they feel is a sure fire way to being more able to have conversations that count … the kind of conversations where kids can share how they’re really feeling – without the need for SHOWING you with big, erratic behaviour instead. All behaviour is communication … so finding ways for your child to show you using tips like #codered is a much easier – safer (!) way to ask for help instead. Love to hear in the comments what you do to help your child have those all important conversations and if you find this helpful do share with friends who might find it useful too #theresnosuchthingasnaughty #anxiety #anxietyrelief #anger #parentingtips #therapy #mentalhealth
Difficult to do sometimes I know – but this post sums up what we must hold in mind and remember to be true … we can only do our own work … and hope that in holding with grace … we help others to do the same …
After a long and sometimes challenging day away from us, a ten minute catch up with our children can be enough to see them able to let off steam more safely. Putting your child in charge – inviting them to suggest a game, or making gentle suggestions ‘we could play catch with your cuddly toys .. we could do some wrestling !’ Anything that can be contained and that is safe and fun to do … essentially you want to let your child know that you have missed them after your time apart and you would love to play for a short while before bedtime Don’t worry – it doesn’t have to go on all night ! Ten minutes can often be enough to help your child to de-stress and then fell happier to wait while you attend to their sibling, or make supper or catch up on whatever else you need to do before bedtime. Having this all important one to one time with us can be enough to top up our children’s ’emotional cup’ and see a smoother, calmer bedtime, and a calmer, more soothed you too You will find many more suggestions in my first book ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’ for 0-5 year olds and in my latest book ‘there’s still no such thing as naughty’ for children 5-12 out on March 28th link in bio Love to hear your tips and thoughts on the games you play to reconnect with your children after a busy day ! #parenting #parentingtips #children
When our children feel connected to us they feel safer and more secure … why? Because nature designed us that way ! Just as a lioness offers her cubs a ‘secure base’ from which to go off and explore, so we do the same for our young children too. After a long day away from each other little games like this can help to reconnect and provide a boost of all the feel good hormones and chemicals like oxytocin that reduce anxiety and help our children to feel that all is ‘well with the world’ The squiggle game was devised by the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott and I use it in my therapy room to connect with children – some of whom might be reticent to talk .. I use it with my own children too – even my daughter who is now 12. It’s a lovely way to go back and forth, laughing at the ‘images’ we create and finding a natural easy rhythm as we laugh and then naturally chat about our day. It helps calm our nervous system and offers a magical ten minute top up that can go a long way to reducing anxiety and boost the connection between you and your child For more parenting tips you can check out my new book ‘there’s still no such thing as naughty’ on preorder now in my bio Do tag any parent you think might like to try it too! #anxiety #childrensmentalhealth #parenting #parentingtips #calm #squigglegame
Wrestling, pillow fights or generally rough-housing with our kids can be enormous fun AND brings us closer together … so long as it’s down safely and with consent Five or ten minutes of having a pillow fight ( gently !) on the bed, practicing our best martial art moves ( no hitting or hurting though ) and mock fighting ( wow you are SO strong …mummy / daddy is going to have to give in you win!) are brilliant at boosting the all important ‘love drug’ oxytocin, as well as brain-derived neurotrophic factor – an important chemical for brain growth … Ensure you do it in a safe space, no sharp edges or where you or your child could hurt yourselves, and establish some fun ground rules ‘we have to fist bump at the start and the finish !’ And get your child to suggest some more ‘we have to stop if anyone is no longer having fun’ … etc .. and don’t forget to let your child win / take charge … they so often have to ‘do as we tell them’ so letting them take the small wins can give our relationship a big win in turn … much more on how to enjoy safe ‘rough-housing’ with your children in my book ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ out on the 28th March and on preorder now – details in the bio Good luck ! #parenting #parentingtips #play #mentalhealth
Why do our children HATE putting on certain clothes or wearing ‘too tight’ shoes !!! Understanding the nervous system allows us to put our children’s more erratic – seemingly irrational behaviour into clearer context If our nervous system is fired up and what I think of as ‘fizzy’, it can make us more sensitive to what we can see / hear / smell / touch / taste … and can manifest in any number of ways … having a meltdown over a ‘too tight’ school shirt, or an ‘itchy scratchy’ jumper … Seeing beyond the behaviour – and wondering to ourselves what else might be going on ( is my child feeling anxious about going to school … did something happen yesterday that is now seeing his/ her nervous system fired up and hyper sensitive ? .. allows us to stop, take a breath and then SOOTHE … ‘oh sweetheart so you don’t like this jumper ? It’s scratchy ? Ok come let me help … ‘ allows the fizzy lizard as I think of it, in our child’s brain ( in reality their brain stem / nervous system ) to calm down a little … which allows their ‘little owl’ the pre frontal cortex – the regulating part of the brain a to step in and do a bit of self soothing too … once our children are calm they are more able to tell us what’s driving the behaviour ‘I’m nervous because the teacher told me off yesterday’ or ‘when I tried to take the shirt off in PE it got caught over my face and I couldn’t breathe ‘ ( both real life examples from my own home ) Being sensitive to noise / sound / touch is not ‘abnormal’ but rather the sign of a nervous system that’s on high alert … helping our children to rebalance and return to calm is the quickest way to helping them to solve the problem and feel soothed in the process … and – as an aside, just as WE wouldn’t like to be forced to wear something that itches us – neither should our children ! Let me know in the comments your thoughts and the things your child finds difficult – and how you might now see the situation differently AND – let me know yes / no ( and why ) if this post helps ! #sensory #school #parenting #parentingtips #mentalhealthawareness
Ask a teenager what they’d most like to hear from their parents … and many of them will tell you ‘ apologise when they get things wrong ‘ Apologising when we get things wrong is important for our younger children to hear too When we are tired, stressed, and juggling too many plates, it can see us operating in what I call our baboon – from a more reactive, emotional place. When we engage our ‘wise owl’ brain – the pre frontal cortex, we can more readily and instinctively see beneath our children’s behaviour .. sibling squabbles is more often a sign that one child is feeling ‘less than’ … so we will want to support, not shout … saying sorry if we get things wrong in the moment is not weak Saying sorry does not mean endorsing your child’s behaviour if they are squabbling Saying sorry means ‘I could have responded differently and I am sorry for not speaking more kindly / getting that wrong’ We cannot expect our children to learn how to behave appropriately – and give an authentic apology when they make mistakes – if we cannot model it ourselves Just as there’s ’no such thing as naughty’ there’s also no such thing as a ‘perfect parent’ – apologise if an occasion calls for it and see the bond between you and your children STRENGTHEN … ♥️ #parentingtips #parenting #therapy #mentalhealth
All animals have a fight/flight defensive response – if they feel threatened they draw on a number of only a few responses – fight, flight, flop, freeze – and also fawn ( pleasing/ over compliance ) and our children ( and we ) have it too. In parenting it means we might be faced with a child who is aggressive / oppositional ( FIGHT ) if they are put in a position that their brain detects is threatening ( eg going somewhere new for the first time, taking a new dance / exercise class, going to school on the first day / asked a question they don’t know the answer to in class ) or FLIGHT .. which can see a child run around, or run away from you… FLOP .. a child might drop to the floor refusing to move … this is not ‘naughty’ … this is a child in the middle of neurochemical overwhelm – a stress response Finally a child might FREEZE – and go mute, seemingly unable or refusing to speak or answer your questions I will talk about FAWN in more depth is as it multi-faceted response and we want to spot the child who is being over compliant even at the expense of their own well-being Much more on all of this in my book ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ for parents with children from five years old … lots of exercises and tips to help you and your child when they are in the middle of their fight / flight stress response You can PREORDER now, link in the bio #parenting #parentingtips #fightflightfreezefawn #oppositionaldefiantdisorder
Mental health is not about never experiencing anxiety or stress … it’s about working with our nervous system when it’s in fight / flight. It’s about finding ways to work WITH the symptoms of discomfort that will often arise within us when we are faced with challenge. When we understand the science of our stress response – when we see it as a normal response to a situation our brain finds threatening .. we can work with it. We can harness the energy of our stress .. and learn to then let it go. It takes time, and practice – but when we teach our children to do it from an early age .. we do them a great service .. for this is where the roots of resilience grow x TAG someone who might need to see / hear this today – especially your children Tell them I am 53 and I can STILL sometimes feel overwhelmed by the discomfort of the symptoms when I am in fight/flight … but with practice and faith, I can also trust I will ‘come through’ Life is richer when we can embrace all that it brings .. teaching your child how to embrace their nervous system when it’s fired up and learn how to bring themselves back to calm is one of the biggest gifts you can give them – start by showing them this reel today .. #anxiety #stress #stressrelief #anxietyrelief #parentingtips #mentalhealth
Research shows that toddlers need help with their emotional regulation EVERY TWENTY SECONDS ! Emotions like disappointment, fear, anger as well as JOY and excitement can all trigger what’s known as our ‘stress response’ and can be overwhelming for a small child ( and even our teens sometimes ) to handle on their own. Our children’s brains don’t finish their developmental journey until they are in their twenties … so what we do now to help support put children to experience life’s ups and downs counts. Meeting our children’s distress or anger with compassion and understanding helps them to model it for themselves in future. Emotional regulation is our ability to experience all the highs and lows of life so it’s key for future mental health … it’s a key part of parenting – I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments .. and the poll – is this something you knew ? I was blown away as a parent when I first learned about brain development and it helped me with my parenting, just as it informs my work as a child therapist today. Do let me know if you found this helpful and if you would like more advice and content, I share scripts, tips and tools to help in my latest book ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ out on 28th March ..🙏🏼 #parenting #parentingtips #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness Were you aware of this research?
I talk a lot about the science of soothing in my latest book ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ out 28th March .. because it can help us to bring our children more quickly back to calm. Understanding the science also empowers us to practice self-care ( and thus soothe ourselves )… taking five ( or hopefully more!) minutes for you can be enough to top up your emotional cup .. leaving you more able to top up your children’s emotional cup too … let me know in the comments what other ways you find helpful for healthy self-soothing x #parenting #parentingtips #mentalhealth #anxiety #self #soothing
Hop on to my stories if you want a more detailed explanation with an example from my own home (!) and how we can help and support our children when they’re telling us they don’t want to wear their socks / tights / leggings / jumpers because they’re too ITCHY or uncomfortable ! What might seem irrational behaviour to us is often behaviour that’s driven by the nervous system – more specifically a child who is in the middle of a stress response .. I explain it in my stories … please do leave your thoughts and questions in the comments and we can discuss ! #parenting #parentingtips #stress #mentalhealth #anxiety #nervous #nervoussystem
I’m SO pleased to be able to reveal the cover for my new book ‘There’s Still No Such Thing as ‘Naughty’ which is out next month and available to preorder now. This book has been nearly three years in the writing and contains the latest neurobiological developments that have helped to reveal what’s REALLY going on when our children ‘act out’ or have anxiety. The book has its bedrock in science but is explained super simply. I am very proud of it. I have written it to bring answers – and hope – to parents – especially if their children might be struggling. I bring my clinical experience now as a child therapist, and my absolute understanding of the overwhelm – as a mother with two primary aged children myself. The book contains practical tips and scripts to try when your child is ‘spinning out’ either with anxiety or emotional overwhelm. I walk you step by step through managing those big emotional – and especially the angry meltdowns – and I am there by your side throughout – You can get £5 off if you preorder @waterstones by entering PRIMARY24 at checkout Check out the link in my bio: geni.us/MyNewBook With my very best wishes and I will remain on here, sharing plenty more tips and explaining the science behind our children’s behaviour … supporting you and yours in turn ♥️🙏🏼 #parentingtips #parenting #mentalhealth #anxiety #emotions
Never underestimate the healing power of relationships – and never underestimate your healing power as a parent. Just as I say ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’ so there is also no such thing as perfect either. We are ALL doing our best. In understanding the science – and why our children behave the way they do, ( and why we behave the way we do too !) we can help ourselves, and our children because it allows us to see beyond behaviour and into the root cause of the actions we see. It allows us to go into soothe, using compassion to bring our children back to calm. When we parent in what I call the ‘wise owl way’ we can be confident we are parenting with our children’s future mental health in mind – and it’s NEVER too late to start. Knowledge is power – and, as Maya Angelou so eloquently said ‘when we know better, we do better’ and that’s all we can ask of ourselves So never worry if you look back and reflect that you ‘did things differently’ when your children were younger – once we know we know … and we can always start now.. trusting that where there is ‘rupture, there is always, always repair’ So much more on this in my book ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ out 28th March Link in bio 🙏🏼
Had some requests for a walk and talk – so here’s one on ‘active listening’ and how to have therapeutic conversations ♥️
Thank you for all your posts, questions, and for many parents on here, for bravely reaching out. I aim to get through as many of your questions as I can and will spend time over the next few weeks and months, online answering them. In the meantime I hope my book will help to bring hope – as well as answers. I have spent the past two years ( and nearly twenty years in research before that) looking at how to help make life easier for parents and more joyful for our children. As a child therapist, and as a mother with two primary-aged children, I know how difficult, demanding and all-consuming the job can be. But I also know we can bring the magic back to our parenting and restore harmony to our homes, supporting our children’s mental health and happiness, in the process. Keep going – trust that you are more powerful than you know – and with love and understanding – our children can come through The book is out on the 28th March You can PREORDER now – @waterstones are giving £5 off if you enter the discount primary24 See you on here for some more reels soon #anxiety #parenting #parentingtips #childrensmentalhealth
A very spontaneous live on #shame #separationanxiety #anxiety #parenting #parentingtips #sleep #emotions and much more PLUS my book has arrived ! With you on the 28th March … thank you for all the pre-orders and I look forward to answering more questions on here in due course #theresstillnosuchthingasnaughty
Today might be a day for love and kisses but it’s hugs that will heal the world When we hug, touch, or even sit close to someone ( or our pets !) we love, our body releases oxytocin, the beautiful ‘love drug’ that helps us to relax and lowers anxiety . When we are experiencing high levels of stress ir anxiety however hugs / touch might not always be or feel welcome. In which case, we might learn how to hug ourselves Wrap your arms around your body, your hands underneath your armpits and give yourself a loving squeeze. Tell yourself ‘I’m ok’ ‘I love me’, or whatever words feel comfortable and come to mind. For children who do not wish to receive hugs or for whom it is not appropriate to give, we can offer a yoga bolster – the long soft yet firm pillow offers children something to squeeze and see a child experience the soothing nature of giving and receiving a ‘hug’ in turn Wishing you, wherever you are and whomever you are with, a day where you can experience the neurochemical nurturing experience of love that comes in a hug X #valentines #valentinesday #emotions #anxiety #parenting #parentingtips
Off to record the audio for my book ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ … I’ll include a special bonus track ‘Kate’s Clinic’ where I’ll answer your general questions if you leave them in the comments below … anything covering #separationanxiety #siblings #siblinglove #anxiety #adhd #parentingtips or anything else #parenting #mentalhealth Also – how to find professional help if you feel you or your child is struggling 🙏🏼 I am also trying to answer as many questions / queries as I can here and will continue to do so over the coming weeks and months … Sending love and support, we CAN bring the magic back to our parenting, and support our children in many more ways than we know xx
Husband and Gatsby came to work today … final day of the audio record for book 2 … ‘There’s STILL No Such Thing As Naughty’ can’t wait to have a copy in my hands and to share it with you ! I have noted your questions in the comments and have a list to address next week so keep the questions coming and checking my reels as much more content coming soon, in the meantime I hope you can have a restful weekend ..x #parenting #author #authorlife #authorsofinstagram #husband #husbandandwife #audio
Thank you for your questions, thoughts & comments to be collated and answered in the audio version of ‘there’s STILL no such thing as naughty’ out March 28th ! I am back in the studio with the wonderful @chatterbox_audio team next week to answer them! They will be found in a special ‘Kate’s clinic’ with my husband Mike, asking the questions on your behalf 🙏🏼 it will be a treat to ‘take him to work’ with me as well as Gatsby 😅 Sending strength to all of you reaching out … I am enjoying recording the reels and tips but there is SO much more content for you in the book .. You can Pre-order the audio version / book now – link in the bio … I cannot wait for it to be published @lagombooks I received such beautiful feedback from the first person to have now read it in full …and am so excited to be able to speak more fully and publicly about all the issues I cover in the book and comforted too in my hope that it proves a great resource – and reassurance – for parents and families everywhere … x