Chloé Hayden Instagram – -Autism and grief- Grief is my biggest, hardest, worst emotion. The idea of loss; whether it be as small as not getting tickets for a concert I’ve been hanging for, or as large as losing my nanny, is enough to put my body into a state of complete stand still. It’s all consuming, all encompassing, it’s physically painful- I’ve been crushed by a horse and kicked in the head and had internal bleeding in three vital organs and the pain of all is nothing compared to the physical pain grief caused me; ‘learning to live with it’ simply isn’t an option; particularly when that grief is the loss of a loved one. In December, I lost my bunny, Posie. She was my little lifeline through a stressful time, I loved her with my entire soul, and she moved on from this life in an incredibly abrupt, traumatic way. I was stuck. In what was that same week, four feral kittens were born and hidden under a shed at our upcoming wedding venue; to be found by us on our wedding day. Theres a lot of conversation about animal loss, about a waiting period, about ‘not wanting to replace’. Loss is something I can never, never get over; when a pet passes (which, comes with the territory of being an animal rescuer), there’s never, never a chance of filling that hole left by them; but, accepting it’s emptiness feels the same as drowning. These kittens, particularly little Woolbrook (named after our wedding venue) have patched the hole Posie left with tape and scrap fabric and fur balls; and when I’m missing her just a bit too much, I look to them and I feel so, so close to her. Woolbrook has so many of her exact quirky mannerisms (and mannerisms of my late cat Bikkie, who I still mourn on the daily), Freja is her exact colouring. Because Posies time here had finished, we had the capacity to rescue more; and maybe souls don’t interchange to different bodies, but their purposes sure do. I am oh so sure that because He knew it was Posies time, God sent me the most obnoxious, cuddly, Posie-like kittens in her place. And the grief doesn’t change, but the patches get a little bit stronger.