Sarma Melngailis Instagram – Pressures have built all at the same time. I’m cracking. Also something’s shifted and I don’t understand most interactions. I now viscerally feel discomfort when replying with “good” to a polite doorman’s “how are you?” asked in passing as I’m rushing past with Leon hoping he keeps his diaper dry. I overthink everything but don’t know how not to.
As a result of this shift, which I don’t understand, I seem nearly incapable of politely lying about my feelings. I can’t do it anymore. It’s going to be awkward. It already is. I cry a lot. Doing it in front of others has been among my biggest fears and now facing it as I sometimes can’t stop even when I have to walk Leon. What’s coming up and out is, I think, what’s been stuck over a lifetime. There’s so much that I think maybe it’s more than just mine, coming out through me.
I have to let go of things. Pressure is too much. Also I’m stuck. I wrote a thing to post but it’s not done, and will make some ppl uncomfortable but oh well. So many here say you’re rooting for me and that lifts me. Or, holds me up. 🙏🏻✨ I still believe in myself too. But also I’m sort of drowning.
Some of the pressure is near term financial. How I got here partially covered in that NYmag thing titled “BV2?” but everything is just part of the story. I’ve always thought I can handle anything, will figure it out. Things will work out. Solutions will appear. I’m strong. But also I’m weakened and cracking. Have been skating on the edge of getting by and recently one of my skates fell off. Things are not always as they appear.
Struggling with how to word this. If 1% of the ppl following here (though most won’t read this) signed up for the lowest tier on my Patreon, I’d heave out a sigh of relief—a layer of pressure would lift so I can figure out how to fix the boat. Links to all the stuff (also in case Patreon not your thing) in my bio links. Must now hit “ok” before I lose nerve. All of this is awkward. But then this entire human experience is awkward so no choice but to exhale and embrace it. I’m lucky and grateful still, even in the unraveling. ✨💓 🌺🦆🐾💫🌎 | Posted on 21/Apr/2024 22:44:13
