Wow I can hardly believe I’m saying 20 years since I was rescued is almost here! Thinking back it’s hard to believe it was my life, and remembering what I thought back then it’s hard to believe this is my life today. I was grateful the day I was rescued and I’m still grateful for all the prayers, searches, support, and sacrifice my family and I received. Thank you. Also just a shout out to @csthomas4 for being a friend and massive help along the way and to his book coming out next month.
A few weeks after being rescued, I went to church with my family. I had a cold, and so during the service, I excused myself to blow my nose in the bathroom. What I didn’t realize is that a strange lady followed me in and started accusing me of actually wanting to be with my captor.
She accused me of awful things, one of which was that I actually wanted to be with my captor, that I just shut down. Luckily, my sister came and saved me, and a bunch of other things happened that I won’t bore you with (plus, you can learn all about it in my course, Wholehearted Consent).
The reason why I bring up this point is sometimes you “consent” because you are in survival mode, and that is the safer choice at the moment.
Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., renowned s3x educator, does a beautiful job defining unwilling consent. When I read the definition, I was like, “YES! She nailed it!”
“When I fear the consequences of saying no more than I fear the consequences of saying yes.”
Now, to clarify, I never said yes to my captor. But I did have the survival mindset on, as do many other s3xual assault survivors do. Acquiescing does not mean they “wanted to.” rather, they were simply trying to survive.
We all need to sit with this definition and understand that a verbal yes does not always mean willing consent. Understanding this nuance is critical if we are going to show up wholeheartedly and support s3xual assault survivors.
Fourth of July fun on the lake🇺🇸❤️ My favorite place with my favorite people!
Fourth of July fun on the lake🇺🇸❤️ My favorite place with my favorite people!
So seriously, do you always have to ask for permission, even if you are in a long-term relationship or married?
Let’s cover a few things first.
1. Let’s look at the stats. 10-14% of married women experience r*pe from their husbands and 15-25% of women from their intimate partner*.
2. Emotional IQ matters. Are you self-aware of your wants, needs, and desires? Can you communicate with them effectively and hold your boundaries?
3. Are you observant of others’ body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions? Do you take the time to correctly interpret and RESPECT those cues?
4. Do you know your romantic partner does not owe you anything, especially access to their body? This makes no difference whether or not you have a marriage certificate.
5. Any agreement regarding another person’s body can be REVOKED anytime.
Now that we are clear on that let me answer the question.
If you BOTH are solid and in agreement on items 2-5 that I listed, then YES, there are physical actions that you and your partner can create a blanket consent agreement that it’s okay to do.
The what, when, how, and where is up to you both to MUTUALLY decide upon. And, of course, can be REVOKED anytime by either party.
But if I’m going to be completely honest. Many couples need to improve at ALL of these things, even if they’ve been together for a long time.
It’s easy to get complacent and forget to romance your partner.
It’s easy to treat your partner as your stress relief toy rather than as a person with complex thoughts, needs, and desires.
It’s easy to forget that both parties are responsible for creating an environment where both want and willingness can thrive.
That’s why being direct with what, how, why, and where you want your partner is the exact opposite of a mood killer.
Making it your goal to get that “yes” because they want to and not just because they are willing kicks things up a notch.
So yes, there are instances where blanket consent is appropriate.
But I’m here trying to change our overall view on consent. It’s not a romantic wet blanket—rather a romance igniter.
*The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
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www.wholeheartedconsent.com
Clearly this is an older photo but I love it, and I love this man, and I love my little family. ❤️
One aspect of consent that trips people up is that you need to ask for it EVERY TIME.
Why? Because people are dynamic and ever-changing.
Just look at the picture I posted.
Those two pictures are a week apart. One from last week, as we hit the slopes for one final time this season, and this week as we enjoy spring break in sunny California with family.
Assuming that you never have to ask again for permission after receiving it one time would be like showing up to the desert decked out in a ski outfit.
You assumed that all activities were the same and didn’t consider that there are a variety of options to participate in.
Or, here is another example.
It’s spring break. I’ve taken off most this week, life is easy and breezy, and I’m feeling generous. If my kids asked me to go out for ice cream right now, even though they’ve eaten plenty of sugar already, I’d probably say yes (don’t tell them! 😜).
But if the situation was different. If it was dreary out, I was stressed with work, and we were all fighting a cold, and they pitched the ice cream outing idea, I’d say no.
It’s not because I don’t love ice cream, but it’s not the right time.
As we make practicing wholehearted consent a daily habit, you have to remember that people are intricate. They have good days, bad days, and meh days. They are affected by everyday life and how their bodies feel. Because of this beautiful complexity, we need to ask EVERY TIME.
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Did you know I wrote an online course on consent for teens? You can grab one for your teen at www.wholeheartedconsent.com
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#sexualconsent #consent #consentmatters #consentmatterseverytime #sexeducationmatters
A common takeaway in my research for this course is that many people’s parents NEVER gave them the sex talk, let alone talked about consent.
They went blindly into relationships and just guessed how to have a healthy relationship.
This led to a couple things. There was a group of people that had a string of bad relationships. They didn’t have the communication skills, self-awareness, or boundary-setting skills that make a relationship thrive. Instead, dishonesty, disrespect, and miscommunication colored their relationships.
The other group (which was smaller, thank God) experienced abuse. They didn’t know that they had autonomy over what happens to their own body, they didn’t realize they could say no (even if they had initially said yes), and they didn’t understand their own self-worth and that they deserved to be treated better.
Let’s not make the same mistake with our kids.
I want to team up with parents and be another voice in their teen’s life banging the consent drum. I want teens to know that they are in charge of their body, that their wants, desires, and boundaries deserve to be respected, and most importantly, help them gain the CONFIDENCE to implement these things in their relationships.
I’m giving away 20 enrollments to my course, Wholehearted Consent. If you are a parent of a teen or know a teen who could use it, please enter by signing up for my newsletter with the link in my bio. Tomorrow, Friday, March 24, @ 11:59 pm is when the giveaway closes.
Let’s create a culture of honesty and open communication with our kids. Let’s stop the cycle of abuse. Let’s make wholehearted consent the standard in all relationships.
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‼️‼️GIVEAWAY CLOSED‼️‼️
Wholehearted Consent is perfect for the teenager in your life. To enter to win, go to the link in my bio and then click the course giveaway/newsletter sign-up link. The giveaway will be closed on March 24 at 11:59 pm. Winners will be announced the following Monday. I’ll be rooting for you! 😉
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
I’m so grateful for how open parents are (or trying to be) on the subjects of consent and sexual violence.
I hear from so many people that say, that their parents didn’t teach them about the birds and the bees let alone, sexual assault, or that they choice or body mattered.
The conversation is DRAMATICALLY changing.
Parents are rectifying that error and taking it a step further. Talking more about healthy relationships, decision making, communication, and even the red flags that their kids should watch out for.
Grandparents are even sharing with me how they are intentionally having different types of conversations with their grandkids.
Both these generations are addressing the abuse that they had received or were witness to, and putting their foot down. No more will they keep their mouth shut to save face. No more will they be quiet to protect people. The people that need protecting are the victims NOT the perpetrators.
You combine that momentum with Gen Z and Alpha’s big hearts and determination to make this world a better place for all and sexual violence will hopefully be a thing of the past.
I’m hopeful. Together we are changing the conversation. Together we are making this world a better place.
Last week in my posts I had a lot of parents share the concern that their kids aren’t showing any interest in romance (no crushes, not curious about kissing or sex, etc.).
So bringing the topic of consent up seems odd. They especially don’t want to put ideas in their kids mind!
I get it. It may seem like your kid is light years away from having a crush, but I’m telling you it’s time to lay the foundation down and talk about consent (and frankly even if they aren’t interested they have friends that are, the concepts are not foreign!).
One nonsexual way I talk to my kids about consent is using animals.
Explaining body boundaries and appropriate touching with the phrases, “tails are not for pulling” and “gentle pats” were repeated ad nauseum.
I also talk about animals’ body language to show when cuddles would be appropriate or not. “Look at puppies ears! What are they saying?”
Alright other experienced parents, let’s hear your advice. What are nonsexual ways you discuss consent with your kids?
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My course Wholehearted consent is on sale in honor of my 20th anniversary of being rescued. Use the promo code 20YEARS to get $49 off. You can grab it at www.wholeheartedconsent.com
Why is consent so complicated? It seems like one of those topics that should be incredibly straightforward, but yet, it’s not.
Here’s one way to look at the problem…
●There is no single legal definition of consent in the USA.
●Each state is able to create its own definition.
●MOST states don’t have a standard definition of consent.
Did you catch that last bullet point? Read it again.
No wonder why lack of consent is entrenched in our society. For hundreds of years, the concept of consent has been IGNORED.
We wonder why cycles of abuse have continued for generations. Well, it’s because consent has never been valued. Oppressors have thrived on the weak and vulnerable not being able to speak up and codify laws that protect themselves from being coerced, manipulated and exploited.
Generation Z is amazing. They are thoughtful, big-picture thinkers and want to make this world a better place for EVERYONE.
We have to fuel that fire. We have to empower them so their passion can be realized.
My hope and dream is that Wholehearted Consent can be another affirming voice in their lives. That they will self-actualize that they are truly in charge of their own bodies. That they have infinite worth. That their wants, desires, and boundaries deserve to be respected. And once they fully accept and start living from that place that they will be advocates and protectors of their friends, family, and community members.
Today is the last day to enter my Wholehearted Consent Giveaway. This course will make a difference in your teen’s life. Check out below how you can enter.
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GIVEAWAY CLOSED
Wholehearted Consent is perfect for the teenager in your life. To enter to win, go to the link in my bio and then click the course giveaway/newsletter sign-up link. Giveaway will be closed March 24 at 11:59 pm. Winners will be announced the following Monday. I’ll be rooting for you! 😉
This giveaway is not associated with Facebook or Instagram.
I’m training for my 3rd marathon! I’ll be running in the St. George marathon this coming fall. I’ve already started training and I would love to your support.
I need some great songs for my running playlist. Here are three songs (see photo) I’m particularly loving right now.
I like all genres, but really have a special place in my heart for late 90s early 2000s jams.
Comment your favorites. I’m going to be pounding pavement for the next couple months and need to keep things fresh and upbeat.
I’m training for my 3rd marathon! I’ll be running in the St. George marathon this coming fall. I’ve already started training and I would love to your support.
I need some great songs for my running playlist. Here are three songs (see photo) I’m particularly loving right now.
I like all genres, but really have a special place in my heart for late 90s early 2000s jams.
Comment your favorites. I’m going to be pounding pavement for the next couple months and need to keep things fresh and upbeat.
Have you ever been in a situation where your mouth said “yes” while your body language screamed “No!”?
Non-verbal communication matters, especially in matters of the heart. Nonverbal communication, a person’s facial expression, how they move their body, tone of voice, and even eye movement, play a part in understanding what someone is actually communicating.
Is their body language speaking in agreement with what their mouth is saying or contradicting it? Have you spent enough time with that person to notice the difference? Will you commit to waiting to move forward until both verbal and body language communication agree?
When we realize the conversation on consent is much more complex than just a verbal yes or no, we can begin to build meaningful relationships and mutually enjoyed experiences.
What are some body language cues that people should be aware of?
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‼️‼️GIVEAWAY CLOSED‼️‼️
I’m giving away 20 free enrollments to my Wholehearted Consent course. This course is perfect for the teenager in your life. To enter to win, go to the link in my bio and then click the course giveaway/newsletter sign-up link. The giveaway will be closed on March 24 at 11:59 pm. Winners will be announced the following Monday. I’ll be rooting for you! 😉
📷Andrew Umansky
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#consentmatters #consent #consenteducation #sexualconsent #parenting
I’ll be speaking at the upcoming Malouf Foundation Summit alongside other incredible leaders in the fight against sexual violence. I have a limited code that will allow you to attend the event in person at the end of this month in Salt Lake City. Use SMART100 to sign up at malouffoundation.org/summit-registration
I already talked about how you can start teaching your kids about consent by using animals. Since today is National Pet day, I am offering another pet perspective, and we will talk a little about dog training and fear.
Have you ever considered how effective fear can be as a behavioral modification tool? Some people use choke or shock collars, yell or even hit their animals to train them to perform or abstain from certain behaviors.
And you know what? It’s often quite effective. Dogs would rather do or not do whatever thing to avoid feelings of suffocation or pain.
People are similar. Fear is a powerful motivator.
Almost monthly, I get a commenter who will be like, “I don’t get it. Why didn’t you run away from your captors when you were in public? Why didn’t you speak up when a cop came and questioned your captors at the library early on in your abduction? Your lack of advocating for yourself means you WANTED to be kidnapped.”
Commence the eye roll.
What these commenters forget is how powerful fear is. I was constantly threatened that my kidnappers would kill my family and me. I was determined to live and knew, because they were old, that I would outlive them.
I would do anything to keep my family safe, and I didn’t want to be hurt any more than I was, so I stayed silent. Fear is an effective behavioral modification tool many groomers and perpetrators use to coerce their victims.
Back to animals, dog training, and how to use it to talk about consent. Here are some questions:
Talk about dog training methods, fear-based and reward-based. How did you see them in the dogs around your life?
What were the effects and outcomes?
Can you train dogs effectively without fear?
How do fear-based training methods like shock collars and hitting your dog with a rolled-up newspaper influence how you treat people?
How does fear make it impossible for someone to give their consent freely?
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Making consent an everyday conversation empowers those around you, especially your teen, to stand up for themselves and others. I created a course to help teens master wholehearted consent. Grab it at www.wholeheartedconsent.com
The Wholehearted Consent Giveaway has been closed, and winners have been selected and contacted.
Please check your email to see if you are one of them. 😉
If you didn’t win, that’s okay. The Wholehearted Consent Course is still on sale until the end of the month. Use code 20years to get $49 off. To buy it go to www.wholeheartedconsent.com
Thank you all for supporting this passion of mine and joining in some fabulous conversations this last week. I look forward to discussing the importance of Wholehearted consent and how we can incorporate it into our everyday lives.
My @minkycouture blanket has been my favorite item we have taken on our vacation to Florida! It has been my kids too😉 You can use my code SMART50 for 50% off their site!
