In this house, some of us are overwhelmed and exhausted. And some of us are Decker.
Salud 2022 🍾
Four years ago on Easter, McCoy died in my arms. Three years ago today, Vaughn cried in my arms. In that single second, he brought color back into my world and mended so many of the cracks of my shattered heart. Since that moment, our rainbow boy has splashed vibrant color over every dark shadow of my soul. I blinked and now he’s three. He wants to Hulk-Smash, peel eggs, drink mama’s “eyectroyites” and clean windows like a big boy, but he also asks to be held and rocked “like I’m a baby”. He demands to be included in everything “Do me! Do me!!” and is an expert in comfort. He watches emotional pain with a keen eye, an open heart, and an outstretched hand… it’s apparent that when God knit him together, He knew the role Vaughn would play in our family. His teachers comment on Vaughn’s skill mending spats between his friends. I’ve never seen a child so young act as a broker between suffering and healing… He’s a band-aid getting, hug-squeezing, kiss-giving guy whose favorite phrase is “It’s okay.” He loves bubble gum and talking about buttholes. To me, he’s perfection. He beautifully balances fun with respectful caution, like he already knows how precious and precarious a life truly is – a unique gift from his brother to his mother, no doubt. He enjoys tinkering with things like a wise old man, and searches for answers in the faces of his trusted people. He’s affectionate and gentle with his infant sister in a way one would never expect from a child his age. Vaughn loves riding in Daddy’s Jeep and washing cars. He’s always down to wrestle his big sister and to snuggle his mama. The only thing better than seeing him as a brother to Stetson and Decker, would be to see him with McCoy too. We love you, Nonnie. Happy birthday, my son.
Always saving room for McCoy 💙
April 12th, 2020: suffering, pity, guilt, pain, anger, and a sadness so deep I thought we’d never take another breath that didn’t hurt. We kissed our baby a million times that day knowing we’d never see him alive again. He died in our arms and I hope to never know that unique hell ever again.
April 12, 2024: grateful.
Grateful to nurses and doctors and EMS workers that gave us 6 days to love McCoy on land.
Grateful to friends, neighbors, teachers, and strangers that circled around our grief and held room for us, for him.
Grateful for two rainbow babies that shine light unto the darkest parts of parenting after baby loss.
Grateful to Decker, who’s an expert and beautiful griever. She still cries for McCoy alongside me and also is the first to shout his name in joy. She’s the fucking BEST big sister to an angel.
Grateful for social media, for bringing so many other loss moms into my orbit so I could share and listen and feel less alone in this.
Grateful to McCoy’s gorgeous daddy for being the best version of himself when I was the worst version of myself in 2020, 2021, 2023 and 2024 … Because when your baby dies, you’re jaded, ugly, sensitive, angry, sad, messy… and he loves me through that mess. He “grows flowers in the darkest parts” of me and centers me when the spiral starts to pull me down.
Grateful that my dad is watching over McCoy, and that they’re both made whole and perfect in heaven.
Grateful that dying someday doesn’t feel scary anymore, because imagining hearing McCoy’s voice for the first time as he screams “Mama!” and runs into my arms just makes me feel warm and happy.
Until we meet again, Mack. I love you like crazy, baby.
3 (and 3/4) months of this cutie. #StetsonLou #4thkidproblems
3 (and 3/4) months of this cutie. #StetsonLou #4thkidproblems
3 (and 3/4) months of this cutie. #StetsonLou #4thkidproblems
3 (and 3/4) months of this cutie. #StetsonLou #4thkidproblems
I’ve never had a four year old boy before. Today, on McCoy’s 4th Heavenly Birthday, I would like to know what it’s like to have one. Tell me the funniest thing your favorite four year old boy has ever said or done. This year, it feels okay to laugh and smile on April 6th, and I want to do that. Happy Birthday, baby 💙
When she isn’t squawking, she’s pretty sweet 😍
When she isn’t squawking, she’s pretty sweet 😍
When she isn’t squawking, she’s pretty sweet 😍
When she isn’t squawking, she’s pretty sweet 😍
When she isn’t squawking, she’s pretty sweet 😍
When she isn’t squawking, she’s pretty sweet 😍
I kiss these cheeks 7,389x a day and I don’t care to slow that pace anytime soon. #StetsonLou
Stetsy’s saving a spot for McCoy 🩵
Stetsy’s saving a spot for McCoy 🩵
Stetsy’s saving a spot for McCoy 🩵
McCoy & Daddy, a very good boy is all yours now. Over a decade of loving sweet Tibby wasn’t long enough. All dogs go to heaven, but this one nosed the door open and looked incredulously at the angels with a face that says “NO MORE LOCKED DOORS.” He was always at my heels, during middle of the night nursing, or during shivering grief, or when the Peloton instructors said to make sure there were no pets behind my treadmill (there always was). He hated closed doors, and insisted that every trip to the bathroom should include him. He would bust down the door, shove his face in between my knees with a look that said “Well, since you’re already sitting down, you might as well pet me.” He was a hoe for pets and would stop for anyone that would give him scratches or cuddles. He loved being a “road dog” in the golf cart with @kyleboz and we will think of our sweet meatball every time we smell a stinky fart. He had a horrible singing voice, but only barked when Zoey did – even when Uncle @shanekeough accidentally left him outside. He slept with both Decker and Vaughn when they started having night terrors around 2.5 years old and they always slept peacefully when he was watching over them. He’ll do so from a higher vantage point now, right beside his brother McCoy and his grandpa Matt. I know he’s chasing @traxxas cars in heaven, drinking endless hose water, and finally defeating that God-forsaken Dyson Vacuum. We love you, Thibodaux. You are the best dog in the world and we’re so lucky we got to love you.
Our littlest girlie Stetson at 5 weeks old. Styled by Tio @servacarrasco, Auntie @alexmorgan13 & Charlie.
Growing up, @jessicalbosworth and I were both raised with (awesome) brothers. All we knew was brothers. Then, after we found a couple of identical twin hotties and married the shit outta them, we became sisters. From what we know now, there is NOTHING like having a sister. So Quinnie babe, your mom and dad just gave you the most precious gift of all – the gift of a built-in best friend. Someone to share all your secrets with and hide all your clothes from. Can’t wait to see you guide your little sissy in this life. Decker is so excited that the Bozzie Girl Gang just got a new member and so are we 💗 In the words of our household theme song, “Who run the world?! #Girls
Sunday Funday courtesy of @alexmorgan13 & @raisingcanes
