Addison Timlin

Addison Timlin Instagram – For the most part, I think I’m a good mom. I witness them, they’re clean and fed and happy-and when they’re not- I try to imagine myself as a polymorphous energy of stillness and compassion- I love them to the ends of the earth. Yet, sometimes mothering feels like my 5 year old and I taking turns shouting “I’m feeling overwhelmed!” -her new favorite phrase and my most regular feeling. I hate how scared they get when my voice gets loud. I hate it when my voice gets loud. I hate remembering the feeling and I hate bringing it on to them. I even hate scooping them up afterward and saying I’m sorry. But I love what happens in my body when I hold them and hold myself. I love that the second after I do, I hold my own mother and every mother I know. God, I spend so much time thinking about my own Mom, wishing I could go back in time and seep into her all the grace and love and gentleness this world has to offer. Wishing that in the endless shapes and voids of parallel universes-my children and my mom and my dad could seep into me the same. Feeling endlessly frustrated that it takes lifetimes not lives to endure the exquisite imbalance of pain and healing.
I spend so much time thinking about what I get wrong, almost no time thinking about what I got right and tucked inside all regular adult human thoughts- “in this moment- I wonder what they’re feeling.” I’m learning to untangle on my days without them, how to feel the sun on my face, how to see straight upside down and walk without limbs etc, still automatically waking up for sleep regressions they’ve long since outgrown. Still feeling the urge to watch their chest rise and fall three times before I can fall back asleep. Still feeling myself as a child wanting to scream with the unbridled anguish that my children do. The other day when she did, she turned to me and said “Mama, I just need extra care” and that’s the proudest moment I’ve ever felt as a mother. That’s the only “got it right” feeling that cast a shadow long enough for me to see clearly. So, Moms- today I wish for you the voice to say “I just need extra care,” and I wish for you someone to receive it. I also wish for you to watch Bluey- s2 ep 26. 🫶 | Posted on 12/May/2024 23:43:36